authentic experience

2010-04-29T18:11:00.000-07:00

"Kiss me until I forget who I am," I said.

He kissed me and stopped.

"I didn't forget who I--" He kissed me more and then stopped.

"Do you ever forget who you are?" he asked.

"Every time I come," I said.

"I don't," he said.

"You don't?" I asked.

"What does it mean to forget who you are?" he asked.

new sex zine

2009-08-17T20:40:00.000-07:00

This zine is about being bisexual. It's available on paper and thread only. Email me if you're interested in trading for a copy. You can reach me at greenlacewingwoman at yahoo dot com.

fourth of July

2008-07-06T14:18:00.000-07:00

We got a new couch. A week ago, I wanted to masturbate there together, so we did. I loved the way the couch felt under the weight of my body. I felt supported in a different way from the support of a bed, and there was a new pleasure in my body as I came. My husband had been out hiking, and I had looked at porn while he was gone, masturbating and not letting myself come, though I badly wanted to, for a long time. So when we was home, and we masturbated together, I was surprised by the intensity of my orgasm. I had moved his hand to my cunt so he could do it, and I came immediately as he touched me.

But on the fourth of July, it was early evening, and I said I wanted to be close on the couch. We took the pink bed sheet from the closet and spread it over the couch. We took off our clothes and sat there. The pink bed sheet is very smooth, and it felt good and cool on my back and ass and legs.

First we masturbated together. My clitoris was slick and felt very real under my fingers. I watched as my husband rubbed his cock. Then I wanted him to stand before me so I could go down on him. I slowly sucked his cock. He stood very close to me as I sat. As I went down on him, I turned my head to one side than the other. I took it deep, all the way. Then I pushed him back and asked if he liked it. I leaned back so he could touch my tits. He said yes. So I went down on him again. I did it slowly and with great concentration.

Then I wanted to fuck him. I got a condom and set it there on the arm of the couch. He sat back, and I mounted him. It felt so good to have him inside of me. I fucked him in that way for as long as I liked. Then I stood and turned around. I fucked him facing away from him, and I enjoyed how different that felt. Finally, my legs were exhausted, and I stood again and turned to him. We smiled.

He took the condom off, and we masturbated again. Do you want me to suck your cock some more? I asked. He was concerned that the condom had made his cock taste bad, but I went down on him. Then I paused.

Would you fuck me, just for a little while? I asked. I lay back on the couch, my head on the arm rest. He got a condom and slipped himself inside of me. I had my legs wrapped around his ass and my arms wrapped around his back. I felt in complete contact with him. The couch held me from behind, supporting my body, caressing me, and then he was above me, thrusting himself inside of me, and an incredible warmth started to grow inside of me.

By now the room was dark, and there were distant thuds and cackles from neighborhood fireworks. I felt wholly embraced. I gave a little moan. The ache in my cunt started to grow. I knew I would come. I urged him on with my body, pushing against him. He thrust faster and harder. Then the waves of pleasure were crashing through my body. At first was the feeling of intense anticipation, and the first hit of pleasure. Then the waves crashed, and my entire life was one complete feeling of senseless, selfless pleasure. I grasped him hard. Maybe I hurt him.

The feelings subsided, and I was again aware of my surroundings. He continued to fuck me. I was myself again. I continued to enjoy his body inside of me. Then I pushed him off me. He told me, That was beautiful. He sat beside me, leaning against me, and I stroked his head again and again. I touched from the top of his head down to his beard. I became again an inhabiter of the world, still with the sensation of floating, just remembering the way I had just come, and thinking idly about what was next.

How do you want to come? I asked him. He told me that he wanted me to touch him very, very gently, with just one finger. I actually used two--my index finger and my thumb--and touched him so gently. It was fascinating to feel his cock in this new way. I would pause to put more spit on my fingers then return to my task. Faster or slower? I asked.

Faster, he said. I caressed the head of his cock, where it meets the shaft, and caressed down its length. I again caressed the head of his cock, where it meets the shaft, still gently but with more intensity. His cock was such a real, living thing under my fingertips. His body strained, his breathing changed, and I knew he was going to come. Then he was coming in my hand as I gently touched him and continued to gently touch him.

He got his teeshirt from the floor and used it the clean himself off. He had his arms around me and held me. The neighborhood fireworks noises had become intrusive. We cuddled. Then I went to bed and put earplugs in my ears and fell asleep until morning.

better

2008-05-15T22:32:00.000-07:00

He wasn't feeling well--he was upset about work. I know a way I could help you feel better, I said.

a zine

2008-05-14T11:21:00.000-07:00

I was reading a zine called Lazy Boy by Mike Baker. It's brilliant sex stories, more dark than what I usually read, but very good and sometimes arousing for me.

So last night, it was late, but I suggested to my husband, Want to masturbate together? I was afraid of being rejected but was very brave. He was tired but said okay.

So we got lubricant, and we lay there masturbating together in bed. The only light was from a lamp near our heads. Sometimes my eyes were closed and I imagined fucking. I imagined being held down by the wrists and pinned, taken roughly so that it hurt. I imagined fucking on a couch, an old couch with coarse fabric. I imagined fucking on the ground in a forest. I imagined being fucked to be impregnated, fucked without a condom, my husband putting it as hard and deep into me as he could, coming with all his might, to get that come as far inside me as possible.

What do you like to imagine? I'm often outside. I'm sunbathing nude in a secluded area of the beach. My husband comes to me as a stranger and takes me. In the forest, it's under trees, and I feel like an animal.

Do you want to watch me come? he asked. I said yes. I watched as the semen spurted out of him, and I saw the rhythm of his hand change as the feelings changed inside him. I looked at his face, and it was scrunched up in pleasure. I love you, he said.

I love you too, I said.

He cleaned up, and I wanted him to hurry. He touched my tits as I rubbed myself home. I imagined my clitoris as a cock. I imagined it pushing forward eagerly. I felt its largeness and slickness under my fingers. I took myself to the edge and stopped. I took myself to the edge and stopped again. I stayed there, moving my fingers so slightly, teasing myself. My husband was close to me. His face was on my face, and we listened to one another breathing. I let myself finally come, and it was everything I needed. I was completely silent, keeping all my feelings inside.

sex meme

2008-04-29T09:06:00.000-07:00

note: No one tagged me for this meme, so I don't think I need to tag anyone else.

Some of my answers to these questions show shocking ignorance, so have mercy on me.

This is Isabella’s Sex Meme. Anyone is welcome to steal it but you must post this rules blurb at the beginning of the meme:

1. You must include this link to Sex Talk - Sex Advice for Men.

2. You must answer every question! If you don’t have a good answer, you are strongly encouraged to make up something good; we like to be entertained.

3. You must tag three people.

1. Sex in the Morning or Sex at Night?

I like afternoon and early evening best. That's when my sex drive is strongest and I have the energy.

2. Better Sex Music - Sade or Marvin Gaye?

Neither--something classical would work, though.

3. Naughty Pics or Naughty Home Videos?

Pictures.

4. Fabulous Sex With: Dr Doug Ross or Dr Greg House?

Who are these people?

5. Vibrator or Dildo?

Vibrator.

6. Bedroom Sex: Lights Off or Lights On?

Lights on. But see answer #1. In the afternoon, lights aren't an issue.

7. Word Preference: Pussy or Cunt?

Cunt--I never use the p word.

8. Spanking Over the Knee or Spanking Only During Sex?

I would like either, though we never do over the knee.

9. More Exciting: Sex in an Elevator or Sex in an Aeroplane?

Elevator.

10. Ron Jeremy or Peter North?

I'm not familiar with either of these people. The first name is familiar--I'm thinking they're porn stars.

11. Word Preference? Cock or dick?

Cock, though I do use dick sometimes.

12. Linda Lovelace or Jenna Jameson?

I don't know who these people are. The second name is familiar--I'm thinking these are porn stars too.

13. Rope Bondage or Bondage Tape?

I prefer soft things.

14. Give Rim Job or Receive Anal Sex?

I am interested in having anal sex but have never tried either of these.

15. Get Rich Stripping in a Skanky Bar or Get Rich as a Call Girl for Celebs?

I would rather strip, but only very few people would be interested.

16. Which Threesome - Boy/Girl/Girl or Boy/Boy/Girl?

Two boys.

17. Flavoured Oil or Tingling Oil?

Never tried either.

18. Pearl Necklace or Swallow?

The first.

19. Sex While Strangers Watch or Sex with a Stranger?

Sex while strangers watch. Though I think I would prefer sex while friends watch.

20. Tied to the Bed or to a St Andrew’s Cross?

I don't know what a St Andrew's Cross is, so I'll take the bed.

good girl

2008-04-28T15:21:00.000-07:00

I checked out from the library Anais Nin’s book of erotica Delta of Venus and was surprised at how quickly and completely it turned me on. I’m used to reading explicit accounts on sex blogs, but it had been a long time since I read something like that in a book. I lay reading in bed, and my cunt ached with lust. I knew I needed sex badly and soon.

So I took a shower, and then had my husband take a shower. I stood naked in the hall and came to him in the bathroom. He was drying off. I took the towel from him and dried off his back and ass and the backs of his legs.

I put his hands on my breasts. He massaged them and touched my nipples. I touched his balls and led him to bed. I kneeled and took his cock in my mouth. I reached down to touch my cunt and felt its slickness. My clitoris was large and sensitive. I masturbated and sucked his dick. It felt so eager and young. I was struck by the knowledge of his youth. It got bigger in my mouth, and I knew he was really turned on.

Do you like that? I asked, looking at him. I leaned back so he could touch my tits.

Yes, he told me. So I sucked his cock some more. I touched his balls as I sucked it, and I used my hand to jerk him off as I sucked just the head.

I leaned back again so he could touch my tits. Do you like the way I suck your cock? I asked.

Yes, he said. I sucked his cock again. I did it fast. His skin was very present to me, and his shape.

Then I lay back on the bed and gestured that I wanted him on top of me. I rubbed my cunt against his body. He pushed against me rhythmically. I very quietly moaned in rhythm with his pushes.

He pulled away and slipped his fingers against my cunt. He touched my clitoris tenderly. Penetrate me, I said. He slipped his fingers inside me and fucked me with them. Then he touched my clitoris again, more firmly this time. I very quietly moaned.

I sucked his cock again. He was on his knees, and I bent forward to get him in my mouth. I enjoyed the awkwardness of the angle.

I longed to be fucked. I lay back on the bed and told him, I want you to fuck me. He agreed. I twisted around to reach for condoms and handed them to him. I sucked his cock again. He masturbated, slipped on a condom, and slipped himself inside me.

God, I loved how it felt to have him inside of me. He fucked me soundly. I touched my nipples. My right hand was wet from masturbating. I put some of the moisture on my left nipple too. I enjoyed being fucked.

Oh, yeah, I said. That feels so good.

Yeah, he said.

Do you like how it feels to fuck me? I asked.

Yeah, he said.

Does it make your cock feel good? I asked.

Yeah, he said.

If you keep fucking me like this, I’m going to come, I said. My clitoris was rubbing up against his body, and everything was slick. It was inevitable. Is that what you want? I asked.

Yeah, he said.

I would do anything for you, I said.

I would do anything for you, he said. The feelings grew intense.

Slow! I said urgently.

Mmm, he said.

I’m going to come, I said.

Mmm, he said.

And I came. I pushed against him with all the strength of my body. The waves rushed through my body, and I moaned thoughtlessly.

For a long time he continued to fuck me. The feelings grew less intense and receded. I caressed his shoulders and touched his back. I ran my hands over his body slowly.

Then he rolled off me. I tried to put his hand to my cunt, but he refused. He had used that hand to masturbate with for a few seconds earlier, and we try to be very careful (some of his precome might have gotten on his hand, and we wouldn’t want the sperm from his precome to impregnate me).

So I touched my cunt myself. I rubbed myself hard and strained toward the second orgasm. I masturbated--stopped. Masturbated--stopped. Finally I masturbated and kept going until the waves were pushing through my body again, this time quicker and more blinding but over soon.

He looked at me. We cuddled closely. That was beautiful, he said. Don't you think that was beautiful?

Yeah, I said. We looked at one another. What do you want? I asked.

I want to come, he said. He lay on his back and masturbated. I drew my face close to his cock, just watching. He paused to put more spit on his hand, and I took advantage of the opportunity to put spit on my hand and take over.

I did it slowly, quickly, in sets of three, and he said, I'm going to come, so I did it fast, and he came in my hand. I kept touching him for a long time. His face was contorted with pleasure when I looked at him--his eyes were closed.

We cleaned up and cuddled more. Tell me I'm a good girl, I said.

He pet my hair. You're a good girl, he said. Good girl. Good girl. I was smiling.

orally fixated

2008-04-26T12:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I wanted him in my mouth. I had him lie on his side. I lay on my back, masturbating and sucking his cock, my head turned toward him. I felt greedy for it. It was large and so real in my mouth. I liked best when the motion was his, when he pushed it in and out of my mouth on his own. Still, I sucked, and I wanted him to come in my mouth, but we hadn't discussed it. As I masturbated, I imagined sucking his cock--I imagined doing exactly what I was doing.

I stopped and asked if he liked it. I had tasted his pre-come, so I knew the answer to my question. He let me know that he had become uncomfortable on his side, so I suggested, "Would you like to fuck my mouth?"

He injured his arm a few days ago, so he wasn't sure, but we decided to try. I lay on my back masturbating. He positioned himself as if doing a push up, his his cock in my mouth. "I want you to come, if you can," I said. He fucked my mouth soundly. I liked the way I wasn't in control. I listened to his breathing as it got faster and harder.

"I'm going to come," he warned me. I was surprised, so soon. I nodded, and his semen was spurting down my throat. I hadn't intended to swallow, but I found myself swallowing. I was overwhelmed. I let myself come then, at my own hand, though I was very preoccupied with the cock that was coming in my mouth.

I sat up and rubbed my mouth on his knee. I felt my teeth on his skin. I rubbed my mouth on his knee again and again. His legs are beautiful, substantial.

We cuddled close. I kissed him, and I think he hesitated--maybe he didn't want to taste his own semen in my mouth. He held me and stroked my hair.

afterwards

2007-12-07T19:54:00.001-08:00

Afterwards, I went to the bathroom. I looked into the mirror, and my hair was all messy. I looked beautiful.

in November

2007-11-13T19:14:00.001-08:00

I wanted to have sex last night, but he was working. I went to bed and fell asleep waiting for him.

He woke me up gently. When are we going to be close? he asked.

Tomorrow, I said.

So tonight he had more work to do, but we planned he would work for an hour and then take a shower and we'd have our way with one another. I'm going to look at porn while you're in the shower, I said. He plugged in the headphones for me.

I went to an amateur porn site that I like and watched men and women enjoying one another. I listened to the sounds they made. A particular women was being fucked from behind by a very enthusiastic man. There was a sound of flesh upon flesh every time he thrust himself into her--he was doing it fast. The perspective was such that we could see her face and her breasts and couldn't see any of the penetration. But the sound of flesh upon flesh turned me on, and the gaspy sounds he made. He slapped her ass as he fucked her.

Then my husband was out of the shower, clean and ready. Do you want to watch something together? he asked.

My kind or your kind?

Whichever, he said.

We can watch your kind, I said. So we sat down in front of his computer and he went to Porno Tube to search for ejaculation videos. I hiked up my skirt and pulled down my chonies with my right hand while my left hand went to my left nipple. My husband pulled down his boxer shorts and grasped his cock.

We watched men jacking off and masturbated as we watched. My husband chose which videos. My eyes moved from the man who was masturbating on the screen to the man who was masturbating in a chair beside me. I admired the style of someone who jacked off quickly, his cock in his fist, pumping only the shaft. I enjoyed the various perspectives: sidelong, straight on, the bird's eye view. I noticed how some men had their jeans down around their ankles, while some had taken off the pants entirely. Some men had their socks on, and some were entirely nude. The nude men had stomach muscles that were supposed to impress me.

As I masturbated, I found my clit to be more and more wet as lubrication filled my cunt. I would rub myself in time with the man on the screen, pretending to be him. I would rub myself between videos, just using my imagination. It got so I had to stop so I wouldn't come. I would stop and go, stop and go, a bit dangerously. My left hand grasped my left nipple and gently rubbed it then visited the right.

I'm ready, I said. I was tired of this porn and wanted to fuck.

We took off our clothes. I got a condom and opened its wrapper, setting the condom on top.

We masturbated in bed. I was upright, on my knees, rubbing myself. He lay on his back looking at me. He rubbed my nipples, one then the other, and I watched him jerk himself off. I got to the point where I really wanted to come and stopped.

I turned and went onto all fours. He got the condom and put it on behind me. He thrust into me, and it had been a long time since we'd had penetrative sex. Feeling him inside me felt right and as he pushed into me over and over again, I pushed back. As he fucked me, I imagined him fucking me. He moved slowly. I guessed that he was going slow so he wouldn't come. He was deep inside of me. It's okay if you come, I said.

I love you, he said.

I love you, I said.

Then he did it faster. Our bodies made the sound of flesh on flesh like in the pornography video I had watched. It felt good. I moved my right hand to my clit. It felt large on my fingers. I touched myself until I was about to come then moved my hand away. I did this again and again until I couldn't take it anymore and let myself come.

I felt a force grow in my abdomen. My cunt ached, and then there was an explosion of sensation throughout my body. I whimpered and cried out as the feelings coursed through my body. He fucked me hard as I came, hungry for it--he was the powerful man who could satisfy me, and I was the woman who wanted it. I rubbed myself for a long time as he fucked me and the feelings went on and on, as if I had come many times rather than just one.

Then I was exhausted and collapsed, still rubbing myself, but he had withdrawn and was beside me, looking at my face. He looked pleased with himself. I saw him and felt sheepish. He rubbed his forehead on my forehead. We rubbed our heads together like this, and we caressed each other.

How do you want to come? I asked.

I want to film myself, he said.

I was surprised. Okay, I said.

Is it okay? he asked.

Yeah, for sure, I said. He got the digital camera.

Is it okay if I come on a towel? he asked.

Yeah, that's fine, I said.

He went for a towel, and I lay beside him luxuriously. I felt calm and peaceful, still inhabiting the sensations of my body.

I watched my husband rubbing his cock and filming himself from above. You're beautiful, he said, glancing at my breasts.

Thank you, I said.

Are you ready? he asked.

I was surprised he was going to come so soon. Yeah, I said.

He increased the speed of his thrusts into his hand, and the semen was spurting out onto the towel. I watched loyally. I felt somewhat detached, like a scientist observing this mammal, yet loving and present.

what happiness feels like

2007-07-12T12:27:00.000-07:00

We were lying in bed, and he was reading to me. I realized I wanted sex. He went to do something on the computer. I spread the soft blanket on the living room floor and got two condoms and some lube. I held them up in the air to show him, as he looked up from the computer. I thought I was bored, I said. Then I realized I was something else.

We took off all our clothes, and we stood face to face. I moved his hands to my breasts. He held them and brushed my nipples with his fingertips.

I reached down to his cock and played with it, then lightly held his balls, then grabbed his cock again, alternating between the two, and finally settling on his cock. I put spit in my hand and jacked him off--he was fully erect now. His eyes were closed. He enjoyed it.

Then I got down on all fours for him to fuck me from behind. I put a little pillow under my chest and another under my head. My business end stuck up into the air. He was behind me, getting on the condom, and thrust into me.

His fuck was so sweet. We were very close physically. His legs were right up against my legs. The fucking was deep. He rammed it into me. I muttered a pleased sound. He muttered back. He would go slow, taking his cock almost all the way out, to push it all the way in again. He would fuck quickly, hitting a deep place inside me over and over again.

We made small sounds to one another. I was perfectly comfortable, with my pillows just so, propped up on my elbows. Sometimes I just relaxed and let him do it to me. Other times I was alert and pushed back. Sometimes I pushed back hard, and I was the one doing the fucking, eager and insistent.

I imagined him pulling out to come on my back. This is one of the things I most like to imagine, lately. The idea must have been put there by porn, but I don't care where it came from. I want to feel his cum hot on my back. I want to imagine seeing it third person as it happens to me.

Come in me, I told him. In just a few seconds, he was thrusting jaggedly as he came inside me, moaning quietly, and I felt somehow proud or justified.

(It had been a long time since he had come inside of me. We think it's safer if he comes other ways. Usually we fuck and then he'll come jacking off, or with me jacking him off.)

Then I lay on my back. He touched my nipples as I rubbed my clit and imagined him coming on my back some more, as I remembered the moment when he actually did come, imagined him doing it more aggressively and harsh, imagined it over and over again until I heard myself whimper in a way that sounded like fear, and the hot waves were crashing throughout my body. He held me, and I was happy.

an apology and a situation

2007-07-03T12:36:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I've been updating so rarely. I don't know if any of my readers are still with me, but hopefully some of you check back, and hopefully some of you use a service that alerts you when a new post is made. Life is getting in the way of art. But here's what happened yesterday evening.

***

Yesterday evening I felt like being close. I took off my clothes while he took a shower.

We were naked on a blanket on the living room floor. He sat between my legs with his back to my front. I got some lube and reached around to touch his cock. First I just played with it. It grew large in my hand. Then I jacked him off, slow and fast in turn. I liked to feel his cock push back.

I could hear his little sounds so well because my head was so near his. I liked the feeling of being on his back like when we're sleeping on our sides and I curl up on his back. I felt safe and comfortable.

I kept jacking him off, listening to his little sounds, until he muttered that he might come, and then the semen was spurting on me, hot on my hand, and I kept jacking him off until his cock was no longer so erect.

I washed up, and we lay on the floor. He told me how good I made him feel while I masturbated and he touched my nipples. When I came, he held me.

Coming is like a wonderful emergency.

what I like best about sex

2007-05-31T09:07:00.000-07:00

I made a list of everything I like best about sex, and then tried listing what other people might like best. First is my list.

-losing control
-complete surrender to another person
-inhabiting sex-world
-touch
-feeling powerful by dominating
-transcendent orgasm
-enacting fantasies from childhood
-the smell
-how real it is
-feeling like an animal
-talking afterwards
-spiritual union
-forgetting myself
-transgression
-getting to know someone
-saying what I wouldn't normally be allowed to say
-vulnerability
-transformation
-seeing how it changes the relationship
-feeling used
-release of tension
-enacting symbolism

Here are a few that I imagine others might like best about sex.

-being inside someone
-the ability to hurt someone
-pretending to be someone they're not
-conquest
-being able to manipulate someone
-feeling dirty

I would welcome any additions to the list: please comment with your own motivations. I know everyone loves sex, and I know the basic drive has to do with continuing the species, but in real life, we have other reasons.

depressed transcendence

2007-05-16T18:48:00.000-07:00

I was depressed and horny at the same time. It's not so unusual. Being depressed can feel like longing.

When he came home from work, I let him know what I wanted. We took off our clothes and went to bed, where I stoked his cock, cupped his balls, touched his cock gently. Then I started taking it in my mouth. I felt it grow in my mouth as I sucked and licked. I bobbed my mouth on his dick, going quickly. He started to quietly moan.

His skin felt so soft. He was so vulnerable, lying there on the bed, not moving, letting me do whatever I wanted to him.

My mouth got tired, so I used my hand to jerk him off quickly. He was moaning quietly, continuously. I took him in my mouth again, licking where the head meets the shaft, sucking, using my mouth as a cunt to fuck him. I listened to the intensity of his moans and backed off when his cries got too urgent.

As I lay there, my husband in my mouth, life seemed possible. His dick felt so real: I was having a real experience. Something good could actually happen. In fact, I was making it happen. I was making someone feel something. I sucked and smelled his earthy smells. This was really happening. I felt my consciousness open. The world seemed to shift from black and white to color--there was a shift, and my depression lifted.

I worked his cock for as long as I wanted. He warned me that he was going to come, and then he did come. I jerked him off fast, and his semen squirted on the bed, wetting the sheets and a pillowcase.

I got up to wash my hands then came back to bed to masturbate as he rubbed my nipples. My cunt was wet from going down on him, and my body longed to come. After some intentional delay, I allowed myself to come, and again, I felt my consciousness was opening like a flower.

You did everything again, he said.

Later we decided that when I'm depressed, I like to be in control. I don't want to be vulnerable--I can't handle anything unknown happening. So I have to be the one who does everything.

Sex is how I want to spend my entire life. As far as I'm concerned, everything else could be beautiful, meaningful, and excellent, but I'm really just waiting until the next opportunity to fuck.

not reading

2007-04-05T11:27:00.000-07:00

We're both sick. His cold is on its way out, while mine is just beginning. Last night we were lying in bed, and he was reading to me. I caressed his body as he read. (We're reading Dorothy Sayers' first mystery, by the way.) I touched his chest, his belly. His arms, his belly. My hand slipped into his pants and his underwear. I caressed his thighs and ran my fingers through his pubic hair. I cupped his balls and touched his dick. He stopped reading and looked at me, the book still in his hands. Are we not reading anymore? he asked.

He pulled down his pants so I could have better access. I held his cock and felt it grow. It seemed vulnerable and sleepy. Slowly it grew to full size, and I was rubbing it and jacking him off with spit on my hand.

Give me some lubricant, I said. It's rare that I use lubricant on his cock because it means we're not soon going to fuck, and I'm not soon going down on him. It means hands only, and he likes this.

I put plenty of lubricant on his cock and did my best with it. I jacked him off fast and slow. I tried holding him in my hand loosely, holding his tight. I used both hands, and I used just a finger and thumb. I stroked just the underside. I did different combinations of fast and slow, such as two fast and one slow, then four fast and two slow.

He lay there with his eyes closed, holding onto my left breast, sometimes opening his eyes half way to look at my breast and my face, sometimes muttering, That feels so good, to keep my spirits up.

I was aroused by his arousal. I was also having a simple kind of fun. His cock is sometimes like a toy, to me. What can I do to him, what can I make him feel, what can I make him say and do? I like it in this purely physical way, like a child playing.

As time passed, and his arousal grew more intense, mine did too, and the experience became more emotional. I started to get off on imagining what he was imagining. I imagined him imagining me fucking him, my wet cunt giving him just the love he needed at the moment he needed it. I imagined him imagining me fucking him without a condom, caring nothing for consequences, wanting nothing but that pure and wholly intimate fuck without barrier.

My cunt ached with lust as he said, I might come, and then, I'm going to come, and he did, the hot semen spurting on his lower abdomen, so white it was almost blue, copious and very real.

We cleaned him up, I washed my hands, and then it was my turn. I masturbated as he touched my tits and told me what I had done to him. I was at the point of coming within seconds but made myself hold off. Then I asked him if he wanted to make me come. He said yes and touched me fast, taking over.

I felt the rising feelings, the first part of coming, then the catastrophic sensationing of falling, pleasure pumping through me with the fast contractions of my sweet little cunt.

theory

2007-04-03T13:57:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I was visiting with family, and my dad and niece were playing in a backyard pool. They were splashing, teasing, swimming around, holding their breath underwater, and having a good time. My niece, who is four, liked me near. She seemed to be paying no attention to me, but when I made a move to leave, she objected. "Stay here, Auntie!" she said, laughing. No matter who she's playing with, she likes me around, and I've heard her say this to others too. So I obeyed, and it made me think of this sex blog and why I've written it.

Some people, maybe all people, like a witness to our play. It's why I write letters, partly. It's why people like to talk about their days. To be recognized and seen, witnessed. So that's probably a reason to sex blog, to be silently observed. When my husband and I are fucking, it's just the two of us, but in a very removed way, if I blog about it later, then someone is watching, and exhibitionism is hot.

Another reason to sex blog has been for myself. My husband and I were trying new things, and I wanted to document it. For him too. He reads it and learns more about what was happening in my head. It's been intimate and beautiful.

To represent reality as art. All art is representational, isn't it? I could paint a picture, but I don't paint. Compose a dance, sketch, sculpt. I'm not good at any of these, but I am sort of a writer.

Fan mail has let me know that a small handful of people enjoy the blog and some even find it to be a meaningful part of their lives. People who object to picture porn can read this erotica instead and keep to their agreements.

And sex blogging, it's transgressive to talk about these naughty things. In transgression I find healing. I have to break the rules to heal from the oppression of the rules. Anonymity makes my transgression safe.

I would welcome any other ideas on why I've done this, why anyone does this.

another queer sex dream

2007-03-28T07:21:00.000-07:00

I was having sex with a woman who was wearing clothing of very thin and slick material, like a slip might be made out of--I was touching her body through her clothes in a room, in front of a group of people. The feeling of her small clitoris on my fingers is vivid to me. There was something we were trying to prove--something she was trying to prove, and I was just helping.

everything's different now

2007-03-16T16:18:00.000-07:00

I was on an SSRI for a long time, and when I cut my dose, that's when I had a sex drive again and started this blog.

As of a week ago, I'm off the SSRI entirely, and something wonderful has happened. I'm incredibly horny. I'm interested in porn again, wet in seconds, aroused at the drop of a hat. The surprise, which maybe isn't a surprise at all, is that I can come from penetration only again. I feel young, in a good way, but I have the love of my life to fuck whenever I want to.

It happened a few days ago. I was looking at porn in the afternoon and extremely horny by the time he got home from work. In bed, I masturbated, and it's like having a whole new body, in a way. I sucked his dick. I had to slow my hand on my clit so I wouldn't come. My cunt felt vibrant and glowing with light.

Then he fucked me. I had a pillow under my ass, and I felt very comfortable and mobile. Even though he was above me and pushing down on me with great force, I had a lot of strength to push back forcefully also, and freedom to move.

He fucked me hard--he pounded me. I felt this thick cock tearing through me, and I felt vulnerable yet entirely present and very accommodating of this intensity.

His face was contorted with lust. He slowed down and looked at me as he fucked me with long, deep strokes, skillfully, watching me, and my body was all admiration and loving gratefullness.

He pounded me again, increasing the speed and aggression until my cunt felt very used and overwhelmed with the sensation.

He slowed again, with the long, deep thrusts--expert--he knew what he was doing to me. I felt safe and known. The feelings began to crescendo in me, and the building was familiar. I whimpered and pulled him closer against me. I rubbed my body against him as he fucked me. I noticed the unmistakable fact that I was going to come. I was ecstatic with the feeling and ecstatic with the knowledge.

I felt that his entire being was pressed into me, and we moved together as I cried out, half-shocked that it was really happening, and my cunt contracted around his cock as the orgasm shook me to the core. He responded in turn, and he came inside of me as I came. We pressed into one another as hard as we could. My arms were around him, and I held on tightly. I felt like we were in a dark place together: a safe, silent, dark place.

Then we were home again, in bed, gasping for air, and after a little while, we untangled ourselves and became slightly more individual. It was early evening and sunny in the bedroom. I couldn't stop grinning. What do you think of that? I asked. He didn't seem so impressed. Maybe he felt a secret pride. My grin lasted half an hour.

Always before, I could come with him inside of me, but it happened that way only every so often, and only if my hand was to my clit. My arm there felt like something between us, a barricade--subtle, though--of course, it wasn't a problem. But now, I feel there's nothing between us, and I've never felt closer to him. I'm not explaining very well how important this is to me, but I'll have plenty more chances.

The SSRI saved my life four years ago, but I couldn't communicate how glad I am that I don't need it anymore.

the importance of an afternoon in spring

2007-03-13T16:04:00.000-07:00

He was sent home early from work, and we lay in bed naked, talking. I was interested in his package. Your hair, it's so long! I said and ran my fingers through it. It was quite a change from his previous shaved state. I admired the hair's honey color then gently held his balls, feeling their weight. He looked vulnerable and trusting, as he lay there with his eyes closed.

Let's be close, I said, and he agreed. I touched his cock. I was surprised at how quickly he was fully erect in my hand.

Put some lubricant on me, I said, and he did. His fingers were cool as they slipped inside of me, and I liked being entered.

I looked at his cock as I pumped it with my hand. It was dark pink. I touched him roughly. Not very subtle, is it? I asked, and we laughed. He was rubbing my clit while I worked his dick.

You're a miracle here, I said, and I squeezed his cock in my hand. Then I went down on him. I did it quickly, the head of his cock entering the back of my throat, and he groaned. I licked where the head meets the shaft, jacked him off again, went down on him some more, jacked him off faster.

I want you to fuck me, I said. Then I want you to take off the condom and come on me. That's what I had been imagining, a hard fuck, and finally him coming on my tits, watching him do this.

Would you like that? I asked, and he said he would. He got a condom.

Are you ready? he asked. The answer to this question is always known.

He positioned himself between my legs and forced himself into me. I cried out with a little pain and surprise. Then he fucked me hard and fast. He reached for my wrists and pinned me down. I was delighted. I reveled in the feeling of being taken and used. And I didn't even have to ask!

Can you fuck me kneeling? I asked. He said yes, and I asked if he wanted me to put a pillow under my butt, but he said no.

My feet were on his shoulders, and he was pounding me. His face showed the intensity of his feeling. I rubbed my clit, and I knew I would come very quickly. I felt myself approaching the edge and then coming hard as he continued to pound me with this thick cock. I forced myself to be quiet as the feelings tore through me. I lost myself for those few seconds.

When I could think again, I was surprised at how he'd managed not to come when I did. When he was sure I'd had enough, he removed his cock from me, took off the condom, and kneeled to jack off. He looked at my tits and rubbed himself. His face had that almost-violent look. He pawed at my tits, and I watched him as his eyes closed and his body shuddered. Come dribbled from his cock onto my chest, and a stream of it spurted onto my neck. I watched him as the come continued to flow, and his body continued to shudder.

We had both gotten what we wanted. We smiled at one another with a great deal of simple love.

what to do in the afternoon

2007-02-12T08:20:00.000-08:00

I took a shower and lay on the bed undressed, petting Kitty.

Are you two having a moment? my husband asked.

We're having a series of moments, I said.

He went to take a shower. I got the lubricant and a condom unwrapped and placed them by his pillow. I lay on my back, with my legs spread wide and knees bent. There was a pillow under my head, and a pillow under each of my knees--I felt extremely comfortable. There were blankets under my back, but not under my butt, which tilted my pelvis at a nice angle and made my back very comfortable in a way my yoga teacher taught me for shavasana.

I thought of the sex I would soon be getting. I gently fingered my nipples and touched softly the outer lips of my cunt. It was afternoon, and the sun was out. Sunlight shone on the bed, and it was nice to get a break from the rain. I felt impatient. I wanted him. Finally I heard him turn off the water.

I saw something on the bed that made me feel excited, he said.

Yeah, hopefully me! I said, and we laughed.

He touched my nipples. We kissed, and he slipped his tongue into my mouth. He pushed his body against mine, and I told him I was happy to know I would be getting some sex.

Should I put lubricant on you? he asked.

No, I said. Lick. He was surprised by this request and went down on me. It was very sudden that my clit was being stimulated like this, and I was moaning immediately. Put your finger inside of me, I said, and he slipped a middle finger inside my cunt. I liked this very much, and every so often, he would give a little thrust, and my moans would get louder. I was overcome with feeling, and the sensations he gave me were my entire world.

The feelings were reaching a high pitch very quickly, and I didn't want to come yet, so I pushed him away. He was unfazed and went at me again with more energy. I enjoyed this additional moment. Then I pushed him away with more force, and he held me. We kissed, and I touched his cock with spit on my hand. It was extremely excitable, and it pushed eagerly at my hand. (Is it wrong that his cock sometimes reminds me of a puppy?)

I pushed my tits together, and he fucked them for a moment. It didn't work so well without lubricant. But I wanted to go down on him. Sit here, I said, and patted my chest. He settled his ass on my chest and put his cock in my mouth, and I liked being pinned like this. I licked its length and sucked at it happily, rhythmically. My cunt ached with lust. He fucked the roof of my mouth and the entrance to my throat. I looked up into his face. He looked slightly uncomfortable and extremely pleased. I was overjoyed to feel him in my mouth. Thoughts passed quickly through my mind. Was it wrong to be so dedicated to sex like this? My religion tries so hard to discredit the pleasures of the flesh. I tried to see it as wrong and failed.

I rubbed my clit. It was swelled big and wet from when he went down on me and from my own arousal. Rubbing myself like this, I could come at any moment. I felt like I could keep sucking his dick for an eternity. I had to force myself to slow down and stop masturbating periodically so I wouldn't come.

Eventually, it was too much for me. I needed him to fuck me, or I was going to die--that's how it felt. I needed something big, substantial, and living in my cunt. I pushed him off of my chest. Do you want me to fuck you now? he asked, and I said yes. I had never felt more ready.

He put on the condom and rammed himself into me at full force. I cried out at the wanted intensity of it. He fucked me with a great deal of strength. He pounded me, and my cunt felt simultaneously an intense yearning to be filled and an intense animal gratefulness at being filled. My nerves were pushed to capacity. We moved together in waves of rough sex. I was groaning continuously, and he was quietly moaning. His face contorted into a violent grimace. His hard, jagged thrusts healed me. I felt I was being punished in a fabulous, longed for way. I felt he was saying to me with every ram of his thick cock, Take that for making me so horny. Take that for making me want you so bad, you charming little bitch. And the punishment was of course the highest reward possible in all of the possible human experience: true and complete love enacted as the hottest sex possible.

I want you, I said. I want you to fuck me so bad, I said. Please fuck me. Please fuck me. I begged for it as I received it--I had instantaneous compliance. I let all the desire from the past few days express itself in my words.

Yeah, he said. Yeah. And he gave it to me harder. I studied his expression: that violent grimace which I knew was deepest love. I looked into his eyes and felt completely understood and that I completely understood him. I valued his look because I knew it had taken so many years for us to achieve this degree of safety. He sucked on my nipple for a moment as he fucked me. His mouth was passionate on my tits. He sucked hard, but briefly, and his attention shifted entirely to the impact of his fucking again.

You can come whenever you want, I whispered. I wanted him to feel complete freedom to come, but I was also having fantasies of him shooting his semen all over my tits. This was a thought I was holding in my mind as he rammed himself inside of me and I pushed back, accepting his force and countering with force of my own. My moaning was like whimpering.

I was at the verge of coming. It's been years since I was able to come from penetration without stimulation of my clit by fingers, but it was on the verge of happening. I wanted it as I wanted him.

I'm going to come, he said, and he bucked as he fucked me and cried, Ahhhhhh! and the thrusts took on another quality as he was overwhelmed with feeling. His hand went to the condom, and he continued to lie there in my arms, thrusting into me, his cock pushing against my clit, and I moaned because I was still at the verge of coming but did not.

As soon as he withdrew, my hand was at my cunt, and I rubbed myself. He touched my tits, and my cries got higher pitched. He knew when I was about to come, and he pushed my hand away and did it himself. He rubbed my clit hard and fast, harder and faster than I would have myself, and I came with an intensity that filled my entire body, from my teeth through my arms and abdomen, down through my legs to my feet and toes--all radiating from my cunt as every squeeze of my cunt and squeeze of my heart pumped the feeling through my entire body, and for a long time I felt this. He continued touching me as it gradually died down and became a more conventional pleasure.

how good it can feel

2007-02-01T07:07:00.000-08:00

We went without for almost a week because of travel to the home of relatives, so yesterday afternoon, I took a shower and was on my way out the door for an errand, but sex seemed like such a good idea. I paused in the middle of dressing and undressed. My husband joined me in bed. Going without for a week, I was feeling a little shy.

Touch my tummy, I said, and he did. It felt good to know I would be getting sex soon.

Touch my breasts, I said, and he did. Yes, I could remember this.

I asked for a penis presentation, and he kneeled to my left. I touched his cock and then sucked it until it was big, and I listened to his unsteady breathing as it slipped in and out of my mouth.

What do you want today? he asked. I wanted him to fuck me, of course. He got a condom and positioned himself between my legs, jacking off for a moment.

I want you so bad, I said.

He slipped into my cunt. He felt substantial and strong on top of me. He felt large and the most welcome possible wanted and necessary inside of me. I savored every thrust. I pushed back with my entire being. I caressed his shoulders and dug my nails in gently. I held him to me. I looked into his eyes and saw his intent expressions.

We fucked in this way for a long time. God, it feels so good, I told him. My clit was getting a lot of contact with his body, and I thought I might come. We were very close. He sucked on my left nipple as he fucked me. I caressed his back and held his upper arms. He groaned and grunted.

Do you want me to turn over? I asked. He nodded. Is that what you want? I asked. He said yes. So I turned over, and he fucked me from behind. He entered me very deeply, and I could tell he was so excited. His animal self was taking over, a self I love. I felt him so intimately, yet I didn't see him, and I like this combination of circumstances. I listened and felt.

Give it to me, I said. Give it to me. He fucked me, and I wiggled my ass at him.

I'm going to come, he said, and he did, fucking me hard, with low, long moans.

After slow and slower thrusts, he withdrew, and I lay down more completely on my tum, my fingers to my clit, and rubbed myself as he held me. He told me that he loves me. My clit was vibrant with pleasure, all ecstatic nerves. I knew that coming would be easy and would feel as good as it gets, so I took my time, unhurried, and consciously relaxed my body, to just languish in the feelings of sex.

Since I was lying on my tum, my husband couldn't touch my breasts, but I like the way it felt to have the bed against me, and his soft, loving hands stroked my back, making me feel so safe.

My clit felt huge, and as I rubbed it slowly, I remembered the fuck I had just received. I imagined his face as he came, a sight I hadn't seen. I imagined us on the bed from third-person perspective. I imagined his cock hitting me at the angles I most enjoy, and the sensation of being penetrated deeply, to the hilt.

The inevitability accumulated, and the pleasure's intensity reached its crescendo. I let myself fall into the feeling and turned my head as I cried out and the pleasure pumped through my body, as real as anything.

queer dream II

2007-01-22T22:35:00.000-08:00

I dreamed there was a naked woman on the floor. I knew I wasn’t supposed to have sex with her. She was lying there on her back. Her skin was olive. I didn’t know her—we weren’t friends. Yet she was available to me.

I thought that even though I wasn’t supposed to, maybe I could suck on her nipples for just a minute. So I did, and it was beautiful. Then I thought, maybe I could lick her cunt for just a second. My tongue licked her delicate little clit carefully.

I looked at the pattern of her pubic hair. I licked again and again—then I really needed to go.

This dream stayed with me for days afterward.

his mouth

2007-01-17T20:24:00.000-08:00

When I kiss him, I feel turned on. His lips are soft and beautiful. I slip my tongue inside. Our mouths are communicating with touch. His feels like mine: vulnerable, tender.

I asked, Would you mind if I told you that your mouth is like a luscious little cunt? He said that would be fine.

fucking in the afternoon sunlight

2007-01-15T21:04:00.000-08:00

The bed was covered in sunlight. I was in the bedroom doorway and took off all my clothes. Are you going to take a shower? he asked.

Why would I take a shower! I said. I already washed this morning. I felt clean and very healthy.

I lay down in the light. The bed was warm. He took off all his clothes and joined me. I admired him: his muscular legs in particular, his cock, his balls.

Does the sun feel good on your cock? I asked.

It just feels normal, he said.

God, it feels good on my cunt, I thought and gently touched the warm, fuzzy outer lips so warmed by my own heat and by the sunlight.

Can I fuck you? I asked.

He assented, and we kissed. He touched my tits, and I went down on him. His cock tasted good in my mouth, and his balls smelled beautiful and earthy. Everything was glowing in the light, and I felt like I was in a world of pure happiness, where the only thing that mattered was sex.

I touched my clit. I was wet, and it felt slippery on my fingers. It also felt large and surprised me with it substantialness. Sometimes when I'm taking a shower, I touch myself like this, and it feels so good, I told him. I remembered the feeling of surprise when my soapy fingers slip inside my labia to touch my clit and find it's big and alert, ready for sex though no sex is planned.

He was lying there, jacking off, watching me as I touched myself.

I'm going to massage your dick, but I'm going to use my cunt, I said. Is that okay with you?

That's what I want, he said.

I got a condom ready, sucked his dick until my need to suck his dick was over, slipped the condom onto his waiting cock, and impaled myself on it. The first moment felt a little frantic. I was very excited to have him inside of me and to be in control. I fucked him quickly, almost as if I were afraid the sex would be taken away from me.

Then I slowed down, feeling more comfortable and myself. I took his cock inside of me as far as it can go. The motions I made fucking him were small. He went from very deep inside of me to slightly deeper. We were jamming it in as far as possible.

We murmured and grunted together. Oh god, I said. Oh god. He played with my tits and sucked one then the other. Our bodies rubbed together. My clit was getting a lot of contact since I was controlling the angles of our contact. I thought of the line of a popular song ten years ago, She only comes when she's on top, and thought it might apply to me this day.

We fucked and fucked this way. My legs started to feel shaky, and I thought I might come, but my body was stubborn, and I stayed at the verge of coming for a long time.

For a change, I put my feet where my knees had been and squatted on the bed, fucking him quickly. There was no chance of me coming this way because my clit had no contact with his body at all, but I know he likes this position, and I did it to see what his reaction would be, to see his expression change or hear him make other sounds.

He loved it as much I thought he would, but he didn't come, and I was running out of energy. I went back to the less-intensive position of before, but the feeling that I was on the edge of coming was over, and I felt tired.

So I dismounted and lay on my back. He climbed on immediately and fucked me enthusiastically. You make me feel so good, he said.

You're wonderful, I said.

He fucked me until he came with groaning cries, and I watched him and held him to me as his body jerked and finally slowed.

Then I masturbated until I was about to come, moved his hand to my clit, and made him push me over the edge. I cried out quietly and had my moment of transcendence.

Then we lay together in the sun for a long time, and what possible reason could there be to get up. I can't remember (this was yesterday).

fucking on the floor during a depression

2007-01-12T17:01:00.000-08:00

cautionary note: age play and pretend non-consensual

I've been depressed, and sex hasn't been important to me. I haven't looked at any porn or thought about sex as often as usual.

But last night, he was meditating, and I was cold and sleepy. I curled up on the floor by the heater, and I felt like I was strongly inhabiting my body.

He stopped meditating. He was hungry and made peanut butter toast, then sat with me on the floor. I reached my hand to his package and touched his balls through his soft gray sitting pants, then his cock too.

Dick, I said, and we smiled. When your dick is small, your balls seem huge, and when your dick is big, your balls seem irrelevant, I said. We laughed, and his cock became large and hard in his pants. I rubbed it. He ate his toast.

Can I have access? I asked. He pulled his pants down and set his toast aside as I rubbed my face on his package. I went down on him quickly and evenly.

He lifted up my shirt and touched my tits. I sucked his dick with gentle enthusiasm. Finish your toast, I said, as I went to the bedroom for condoms and lubricant.

Can we pretend I'm a little girl and you're a nice man who has to rape me? I asked, lying back on the floor. I was wearing a soft sweatshirt and a long brown skirt with no underwear beneath.

Yes, he said.

I felt snuggly and lifted the front of my skirt to expose my cunt. Put lubricant on me, I said. This has become one of my favorite parts of sex lately, when he rubs lubricant onto my cunt. First he puts it on my clit. Then he gets more and puts it at my opening and fucks me with his fingers. He's sudden and slightly rough in a way I like. I start to go into a little trance, but I know there's a lot more where that came from.

I'm here to fuck you, he said. But first you have to suck my dick. He shoved his cock into my mouth, and I sucked it directly, without pretense or guile. The taste of him aroused me. I made small whimpering sounds. The head of his cock was at the back of my throat.

Then he pulled out and touched my tits. You have sexy big tits, little girl, he said. I liked how it felt to lie still, quietly, as he touched me.

I'm going to fuck you now, he said. I like how it felt when he positioned himself between my legs. He was completely naked, but I was still wearing a shirt and sweatshirt, long brown skirt, and socks.

He put on a condom and slipped himself inside of me. I stared up into his face. He held me down by my wrists. Do you want to feel what it's like to be pounded? he asked and fucked me hard. I whimpered some more.

I felt warm and happy, content to pretend I was a young girl. He had his way with me, and I watched his expressions change. I felt the warmth of his skin and the weight of his body. I felt blissfully accommodating.

I'm going to come--you're going to feel me come now, he said, and I listened to him groan as he came inside of me, fucking me hard.

Ten minutes later, when his hands were on my body and I was about to come, strong feelings moved inside of me, and the sadness overwhelmed me as the pleasure grew. I felt like I was going to cry but didn't, and then the moment of coming was a great comfort.

moment

2007-01-02T20:29:00.000-08:00

Is this too white? he asked, making me look at a manzanita flower in one of his photos.

No! I said. Are you too white?

Yes, he said.

I took off my shirt. Are my breasts too white? I asked.

Your breasts are perfect, he said, staring.

Smart girls want to be told they're pretty, and pretty girls want to be told they're smart. So which am I? I asked, embracing him.

You're a smart, pretty girl who doesn't believe compliments, he said.

sun bathing, deep throating

2006-12-28T15:32:00.000-08:00

This afternoon I took a shower and then lay naked on the bed. The way the afternoon light in winter enters the bedroom, I can take a sun bath. I lay on my back and opened my legs so the sun could shine onto my cunt. I daydreamed and relaxed. I looked at my breasts, belly, and arms in the light.

I felt happy and drunk on the sunlight. My cunt glowed with heat, and my eyes were half-open. I saw prism-rainbows on my eyelashes, and the warmth of my cunt went beyond warmth and became pleasure.

I reached my hand between my legs to feel the heat. The outer lips of my cunt felt so alive to my touch. I thought, I should become a nudist, because it felt so good--I wanted to feel the sun on my private places every day.

In this way, I thought about my husband. We're planning to take some new nude pictures of one another, and this light will be just perfect. I remembered the last time we had sex, two nights ago, and it was like this.

We were cuddling and close. It was night, and we were in bed. I went down on him. I sucked his dick, and it seemed my destiny, to suck his dick indefinitely. I felt that I existed to suck his dick.

So I had him in my mouth, and I took him as deep as I can. He was going down my throat, and I felt so close to him--I had never felt so close to him. I kept him deep inside of me, and I fucked him with my throat.

His cock was coated with the super-slick, thicker spit that's only in the back of my throat. I made him go from deep in my throat to even deeper. I opened myself to let him in. His cock was slick and felt vibrant.

He groaned and gasped. I wondered how long I could do this. I rubbed my clit with my right hand and kept myself at the edge of coming. I licked the underside of his cock and listened to him. I heard him carefully. I would bring myself to the edge of coming and back off, bring myself to the edge again.

I imagined his cock as I went down on him. I forced him deeper down my throat and tried to understand how close to coming he was. I tried to take on his feelings while keeping mine too.

After a certain amount of time, I was feeling greedy. I didn't think I could take any more of this, and I found myself gagging on his cock. Little tears were at the corners of my eyes. I made him leave my mouth and throat. I jacked him off with the thick slickness that coated his cock. Would I make him come?

No, he didn't want to come then, or I wasn't doing it right, and instead he reached his hand to my cunt. He fingered me gingerly and intently for just seconds, until I was right on the edge and over it, crying out and bucking. The satisfaction flowed through my body.

He still needed to come. He lay on his back, and I showed my breasts to him while he jacked off. I felt loved to see the look of admiration on his face. After so many years, he still finds me fascinating to look at.

When he was close, I insisted on being the one with agency and grabbed his cock, pumped it hard and fast, and heard his cries while I watched the white liquid spurt onto his abdomen over and over again. The come was all over his dick and very much a mess.

I looked at his face and appreciated his beauty as he recovered himself. We held one another for a long time, and I told him how when his cock was far down my throat for so long, I had never felt so close to him. He didn't seem to understand or fully appreciate my words. But I didn't care, because what I felt was real.

'twas the night before Christmas

2006-12-27T10:45:00.000-08:00

Christmas Eve, he announced that he wanted to masturbate together. I was pleased and impressed because he initiates only rarely.

So we went to bed to jack off. We cuddled first, then got some lubricant and had at ourselves. I watched his cock in his hand. He looked beautiful, and I enjoyed the feeling of having no responsibility. I didn't have to do anything for him, only for myself. His pleasure was all his own. But we watched one another.

His cock in his hand looked more and more beautiful to me. I found myself longing to know what it felt like. I love my body, love being a woman, my cunt and its little clit. But I longed to know how it feels to have something that big, to wrap my hand around, to get a good hold of. I imagined it carefully. I rubbed myself while pretending to be him.

Somehow we got the idea that he should fuck me from behind while we lay on our sides. The idea was that since we're lying down, it takes less energy (he still wasn't feeling 100%, overly-exhausted from working way too many days in a row).

So we lay on our sides, and he got a condom and fucked me from behind. He gave it to me hard, and I loved it, to feel that gorgeous big cock inside of me after watching it so empathetically for so long. I took it and fucked him back.

It felt nasty, naughty, something forbidden about it--I couldn't tell you why. Maybe the way he thrust seemed selfish, or I was in a mood to feel used. I felt like a bad girl, doubled over on my side while my husband fucked me a bit roughly, but in a good way. The nastiness felt real and very comforting.

He fucked away at me, and his breathing got harder. I heard him say, I'm going to come, and he came inside of me, moaning with abandon, happy.

Then I masturbated again, and at the correct moment, he put his hand to me and made me come. The feelings were intense and brief, like being struck by lightning.

I was happy too. It was a wonderful way to get sleepy. This sex at night is really a good idea--I don't know what we had against it. And a fine merry Christmas.

yes, we came for peace

2006-12-23T08:20:00.000-08:00

We came for peace, last night, but we didn't do any of the visualization. I hope it still helps.

My husband was feeling sick at work, exhausted for no reason, and when he got home, I made dinner, we ate, we went to bed. He was lying there with his "I'm sick" expression. We cuddled, and I moved his hand to my breasts. We kissed.

I moved my hand down to his balls and stroked them lovingly. He lay there on his back, tired and quietly happy. His balls are large and gorgeous. God was generous.

I moved my hand to his cock and touched it softly as it grew large and hard. I liked the contrast between his apparent passivity and the involuntary vigor of his cock.

I dove under the covers to go down on him. I lapped the underside, made a lot of friction with my lips, went fast and shallow, then slow and complete. I got him excited, but he was quiet.

Do you like what I'm doing to you? I asked.

It feels so good, he said. His eyes were closed.

I went down on him some more, then got a condom and climbed on. I was in no hurry. The room was dimly lit, and we had nothing to do.

I rode him gently. I put an extra pillow under his head, and he played with the breasts that were right in front of his face. He sucked my nipples and pawed at me. I rode while he amused himself, and I watched his contented expressions.

I would let his cock inside of me only a tiny bit for a few thrusts, then abruptly take the whole thing in. I kept it in deep and fucked him hard, so it went from deep to deeper, and he moaned.

Then we moved together in a daze. He strained to get himself deeper inside of me, and I started to moan too. A feeling passed over me that we were in a very ancient place. The rhythm of it felt sustaining and healing. My legs ached.

He gave me the look that meant I needed to stop or he would come, and I smiled and fucked him harder. I watched his face and listened to the sounds that meant he was having the most pleasure possible.

Then I masturbated until I was ready, told him to do it, and felt very strong feelings as I came in his arms.

new sex blog blessings

2006-12-18T11:06:00.000-08:00

A friend has started a new sex blog, and I'd like to invite you to visit.

http://navelsandnipples.blogspot.com/

I happen to know that this particular friend is a brilliant writer and artist, and I wish the new blog a long, happy life.

transformative and healing rough sex for his birthday

2006-12-13T15:53:00.000-08:00

Yesterday it was his birthday. When he got home from work, I made a delicious dinner, he took a shower, and we went to bed. It was cold in our apartment. We cuddled and talked under three blankets, naked and happy.

Then I dove under the covers to suck his dick. It grew from small to large in my mouth. I took my time and enjoyed myself. I’ll fuck you all night, I told him. We had nothing to do until he had to be at work the next morning.

I would pause in my pursuit of going down on him and jack him off quickly, so fast that my hand would be a blur. I could tell he really liked it.

Then I would lower my mouth to his cock again and suck, bobbing my mouth up and down the length of him, licking and lapping where the head meets the shaft on the underside, seeing how far I could get it down my throat, listening to his gasps, hard breathing, whimpers, and moans.

We were in the semi-dark. Only small paper lantern christmas lights lit the bedroom. We were happy and comfortable. I felt very myself.

I took a break and had him touch my tits. I put his hand between my legs and made him rub my clit. He asked if he should get some lubricant, but then his fingers found how wet I was, and he rubbed me with my own wetness.

I was so aroused, and he was too. The way he touched my cunt made me go into a world so hazy--yet I felt alert also, and very conscious of everything about him: his cock pressing against my arm, his warm breath, and faint smell of our favorite soap on his skin.

I dove under the covers to suck his dick again. I fucked him with my mouth. I want you to tell me what to do, I said. Would you do that for me?

Yes, he said.

Could you tell me sort of aggressively? I asked.

Yes, he said.

Suck my cock, he said, as I went down on him fast and hard. Suck it, he said. Suck my dick. You have no idea how I felt when he said this to me. My cunt was buzzing with arousal, and the lust felt so strong, it was like pain.

More aggressively, I whispered.

Suck it! he said. Suck my cock! His voice was steady and commanding. I whimpered with the excitement of it as I gave him what he asked for. (In regular life, I have no interest in being told what to do and in fact would be furious, but this act was accessing some intense psychological desire to feel my husband’s sexual power in blatant way. I didn’t know I wanted this.)

Suck the dick, he said, and I obeyed him, ecstatic, slowing down when necessary so he wouldn’t come. Suck it slow, he said, and I slurped at it, so slowly yet not gentle, very intense and rough somehow, in response to his performed roughness.

Again I came up for air, and he held me and played with my nipples as we caught our breath. What do you want to happen next? I asked.

I want to fuck you, he said.

I belong to you, I said. You can do anything you want with me.

I going to fuck you and make my cock feel good however I like, he said.

That’s what I want you to do, I said. I’m yours.

He went to the bathroom, and I got a condom out of its wrapper and put it on the corner of the bed. I lay there rubbing my clit.

Kneel, I told him, when he came back to bed. I rubbed my clit with my right hand and jacked him off with my left. He touched my tits. Jiggle them, I told him, because I know he likes to see them move like that. Look at my tits, I said, and he moaned.

His cock was large in my hand, so alive and real. It seemed to push at me with an energy of its own. It seemed animal and somehow mysterious, more sacred and magical than usual.

Are you ready for me to fuck you? he asked.

I want it. I’m so horny for you, I said, and I felt like I was admitting it. I was so horny, it was almost embarrassing. I didn’t remember ever feeling so horny in my life.

He got the condom, and when I looked at him near me on the bed, he seemed to glow with a profound attractiveness. You have never looked more beautiful to me, I said. It had never been more evident that he’s my dearest example of god.

He put the condom on his cock and jammed himself inside of me. We were high on the feelings of that penetration. Our sounds were persistent. He fucked me hard, and his face showed the intense emotion he was feeling. He was almost wincing with it, and I was too. I grunted and gave myself over to the sex. Do you want it? he asked. Do you want it?

Yes, I said. Please. Please, please, please give me your cock. I begged him for it as he pounded himself inside of me. He had never been more desirable.

Then he grabbed my wrists and pinned me down on the bed. Our cries intensified. Is this what you wanted? he asked.

Yes, I said. I want it. Please give me your cock.

Take it, he said. Take it! He fucked me aggressively, yet luxuriously, unhurried.

Look at my tits, I said, and his groans became louder as he watched them move rhythmically in response to the force of his body with mine.

We fucked in this way for a long time. It was rough and delicious. We were in a world where only sex existed. I begged for his cock, and he gave it to me. The sex went on and on. What a birthday—this was before cake.

Between gasps he told me he might come. We paused.

Do you want me to turn over? I asked.

He said yes, and I went on all fours. He fucked me harder than ever. His cock was so deep in me, and ramming me with such force. We were crying out, and he said, I’m going to come, as his cries got loud and he found the highest point of pleasure, and his release. I felt so much empathy that I was making sounds like his, as if I were coming too.

We lay down together then, and I rubbed my clit as he told me sweet things about what we had just done. He touched my breasts, and my feelings were becoming more strong and powerful. You do it, I said, and he took over rubbing my cunt.

I knew I couldn’t keep from screaming, so I grabbed the nearest pillow and pressed it to my mouth, listening to the muffled yells and then muffles screams as my body was not quite my own but completely overtaken by the most powerful waves of pleasure I have ever felt. Everything was a blur of fiery feeling.

Slowly I regained everyday consciousness. We held eachother, and I couldn’t stop stroking his shoulders and neck. I asked him if everything we’d done had been okay. Something had felt unsafe, how animal I’d felt, and I needed reassurance that I hadn’t done anything wrong. He was very kind to me and told me how everything that had happened was good and in fact just what he wanted.

I felt safe to tell him, That was the best sex of my life. That’s the fuck I’ve been waiting for my entire life, and I felt that our seven years together had been preparing us for this particular evening. We could never have had such an honest, present experience without everything we had been through already, knowing one another so well, and all the hundreds of times we had had sex previously.

He agreed. And I told him, I feel like a new person now. I felt like I had started a new life.

orally fixated

2006-12-08T12:33:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been orally fixated and going down on him a lot. We have a way in bed where I'm going down on him upsidedown, like 69, but instead of him going down on me, he's rubbing my cunt with his hands, my clit specifically. I like having his dick in my mouth upsidedown for a change.

We were doing it in this way Tuesday evening, and the way he went at my clit was just admirable, valliant--and very effective. I sucked his cock and licked the ridge, and pounded him into my throat. I imagined him coming, shooting all his semen down my throat, imagined the sounds he would make, until I was whimpering and making impulsive, quick motions with my hips, and my cries were muffled by his cock in my mouth. I came and sucked, hoping he would come at the same time, half-crazy with the intensity, but he didn't come. I continued to suck good-naturedly as he kept rubbing for a long time, and I calmed down.

Then he beat off on my tits, and I grabbed his cock for the finish. He's beautiful.

On Wednesday night, I got my wish--this time, instead of going down on him in a standard sort of way, I was rubbing his cock with my tongue, lapping at it, where the head meets the shaft, and then with my right hand, rubbing the other side quickly. He lost it. I listened to his groans as he came, tasted the semen, empathized with his ecstacy as the semen flowed over my tongue, lips, and chin.

Last night I was in the mood for something different and decided there had to be a way to use the knealing chair to our advantage. So we went to the livingroom, and I folded myself over it so he could fuck me standing, and it felt lovely, but I knew his leg-muscles couldn't take much of it, because the height wasn't perfect.

Then he sat on the knealing chair, and I went down on him. I slurped and bobbed my mouth up and down his cock quickly. Then I tried to climb on, but again the height wasn't right. Perseverently, I turned around and fucked him that way. It was a variation on a standard porn position, like reverse cowgirl, only knealing chairs aren't standard--I was bent in half, with my hands on the floor for support, my legs spread, my cunt riding his cock as he, delighted, just sat there moaning.

I liked the angle. I liked being in control. I liked to feel the strength of my arms and legs as I supported myself in this bent-double way. I liked the way he was vulnerable and helpless, motionless, moaning in happiness.

I'm going to come, he said, as I sped up.

Good, I said, and I listened to the cries he made and intensified my fucking as he went over the edge for me.

I continued to fuck him for a long time, his hand to the condom, and then we went to bed, where it felt so intimate and safe after the more public space of the livingroom. I masturbated as he fucked me with the blue vibrator and sucked my left nipple.

I love the moment when I know coming is inevitable. I relax somehow--I know it will happen, and it's just a matter of how, how long I can hold it off, if I want to, and curiousity about how it will feel, how strong it will be today.

At the moment I did come, my legs involunterily flew open a bit wider, my back arched, my head thrashed--it was in my entire body, intense and one more reason to live.

more porn

2006-12-04T08:56:00.000-08:00

I value the reminder my friend Shelley provides me, that porn can become an obsession, and how unreal depictions can shift what turns a person on to something impossible in real life. How porn can train a person to unrealistic expectations. How porn can isolate. And how porn can ratchet up what it takes for someone to get off.

Toward the end of my first marriage, I turned to porn a lot for comfort, and it wasn't good porn either. I was lonely and miserable at the time.

I don't think I'm in danger of using porn in an unhealthy way nowadays because I'm careful to pay attention to the way I feel. I use porn only in a way that makes me feel happy. Also, if I feel I'm over doing it, I take a break.

There's nothing like real life, and the vast majority of what's important to me can be found only in real life. Love, for example. Smell--the smell of my husband's neck, his balls, his hair. It makes me horny to be listened to, intimate conversations, vulnerability, being close friends for a long time. Long hugs and holding hands. How it feels to be liked. Eye contact, having my hair touched. Porn gives me nothing of this.

But it's good to be reminded that porn is powerful, and I should be careful, so thank you for thinking of my well-being.

masturbation and porn

2006-11-30T08:43:00.000-08:00

A reader emailed me a link to a Beautiful Agony clip, asking if the woman portrayed resembled me when I masturbate. Here's the link.

http://google.videoblog.ath.cx/video/98

I would have to say no in that I almost never have multiple orgasms like this woman seems to have, and I don't wear make-up or have such pornstar hair, or such a lovely tattooed arm. Also, I'm louder. Otherwise, yes, there are similarities!

I have been masturbating to orgasm regularly since I was 10. As a kid, I liked masturbating in the bathtub, letting the water run over my clit. I took a lot of baths....

I masturbated in bed also, rubbing my clit with the middle finger of my right hand, inserting something into me only rarely. Clit stimulation was key, and still is.

I never used porn as a child or teen. Well, an ex's dad had Playboys that I looked at, but it wasn't until I was 17 that I saw a Hustler and was pretty shocked.

Nowadays, of course, I like amateur porn a great deal and see a great deal of it online. I see mostly porn of one woman and one man together, or some combination of women and men. Two men with one woman is a favorite.

I also like gay porn. I enjoy seeing men masturbate, especially when they make a lot of moans as they come.

I like when there's a loving caress or loving words that pass between a couple. Kissing, especially men kissing! Strange or naughty words interest me as well, what someone says when they're coming. Sounds more than anything--I enjoy seeing the motions people make and penetration, but I would enjoy porn even if I were completely blind, because the cries and groans get me off more than anything.

I like seeing many men with one woman. I have never seen porn enacting rape fantsies, which actually might be too scary since the viewer wouldn't have complete assurance that what they were seeing was pretend, but if this were well done, I would really enjoy it.

I love real breasts, makeuplessness, women with body hair, all different kinds of cocks from small to large, uncircumcised and circumcised. Sincere-looking hands, sweet glances, large hands that caress someone's waist, when a couple is holding hands as they fuck, anyone touching anyone's hair.

On the other side of the spectrum, turn-offs are men in socks, anyone's wrist watches, high heels (though I suppose if the men were in high heels, I might like that), music, animal abuse, and any kind of pain beyond good-natured spankings.

I like good-natured spankings. In porn and in real life.

Anyway, lately, porn has become more of a regular part of our shared sex life. A couple days ago, he wanted to watch some, and I was completely interested. So we sat at my computer and masturbated together. It felt intimate, normal, friendly, very hot.

When I had had enough and needed to come really bad, we went to bed and fucked with all the enthusiasm of half-crazed drooling freaks, which is definitely enjoyable, and it was deeply satisfying, how slick my cunt was, and how our inhibitions were nonexistent from the long period of intense arousal and watching so many other uninhibited people. We come, make one another come, witness it, live it, and are filled with peace. It was an hour or two well-spent.

I'm slowly getting over the twinge of guilt--just the intimation of guilt, like I should feel guilty. I will ask if it's okay, what I like, and he comforts me.

after Thanksgiving

2006-11-25T21:26:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving trips interfered with our time for sex. So this morning, I knew what I wanted as soon as possible. After breakfast, I said I was taking a shower, and I suggested that he should too. A particular little smile told him why, and he gave me a particular smile in reply.

Twenty minutes later, we lay in bed together, clean and happy, and he touched my breasts. I kissed him. We nuzzled one another. We were keeping warm under the covers, and I felt his erection pressing against my arm.

You're beautiful, I said, as I peered under the blankets and touched his cock. I couldn't resist having him in my mouth anymore and dove to suck him off. I licked the underside and sucked the head gently. I went down on him deeply and felt the head at my throat. You can tell me what to do, I said.

What you're doing is really good, he said. Lick slowly, he said. So I licked very slowly, where the head meets the shaft, and the whole length of it, as he moaned.

I was lying on my back, and he was touching my tits, caressing me and brushing his fingers against my nipples over and over again. You can fuck my mouth, I said, and I liked the jagged way he thrust himself into me, when rational thought dies away, and the desire for sex is as strong as panic. I masturbated and felt the thickness and wetness of my clit.

He fucked my mouth harder and faster. My entire self felt like sex. I had to pause repeatedly in my clit-rubbing so I wouldn't come. I sucked his cock greedily, and I groaned with the feelings of ecstatic love.

Finally I couldn't live any longer without coming and stopped sucking his dick. Here, touch me, I said, and he rubbed my clit as I gently dug my nails into his shoulders and lost it completely when the orgasm thundered through my body, and I heard the screamy whimpering sounds flying out of my mouth for a long time, as he fingered me, and we listened to my cries die down and my breathing return to normal, with smiles and relief. I was entirely content and felt very peaceful.

Do you want to fuck me? I asked. But you can come on my tits if you want.

He told me that I'm very nice and climbed between my legs with a condom. He slipped himself into my wet cunt and fucked me however he liked. Although I had already come, and I'm a one-orgasm kind of woman almost always, the sensations were strong enough that I lost myself again.

He fucked me as long as he wanted and then kneeled to my left to beat off, but I ended up making him come, and the semen was messy and everywhere. His face contorted into the look of pure pleasure, and he was grunting and animal-sounding. I was glad.

It was only afterwards, when we were lying there half-asleep and giggley, that I reazlied how much I had needed to come with him and have him fuck me like that.

intense fuck after a few days of abstaining

2006-11-17T15:33:00.000-08:00

Today I heard from a friend S when he read here that I had never had anal sex--he was surprised, and told me all about it, with encouragement to use lots of lube. I found his advice very sweet and hope to one day win my husband over. He has strong taboos about the anus.

Meanwhile, I learned a new word online today, squick, to refer to boundry-crossing yuckiness, that which repulses. I am easily squicked when it comes to pictures of people hurt during BDSM play, for example.

Lately we have been having sex face to face, with him on top, and we talk throughout. As for what turns me on during sex, sound is very important.

We somehow interrupted our recent schedule of every-other-day, and that can create a self-perpetuating situation. The importance of sex fades into the background because of the stress of life, and background is not where it belongs--if there's anything that can heal me from the stress of life, it's a passionate fuck.

So we were behind schedule, and I asked, Do you want to be close? We were nervous, as if we were shy school children.

Yes, he said.

Would you get a condom? I asked. They're on his side of the bed.

We kissed and touched. I wasn't feeling horny, but I knew that when it hit me, it would feel really, really good. Delaying sex has the unavoidable result of making my whole body flood with the happy chemicals of the pleasure of it.

He fucked my mouth. His cock felt so young and healthy. His balls smelled wonderful. He got hard in my mouth and pushed his cock deep inside my mouth, into my throat, cutting off my air for a second, and I felt very close to him, trusted. I was entering the mindset of someone who is going all the way, to the most extreme present-ness she can feel.

He got lubricant and rubbed my clit. My cunt was feeling sore and somewhat raw despite the days of rest--I must have been squeezing it between my legs a lot while fantasizing.

My clit got hard and erect very quickly, and I was gasping and begging within seconds. He stopped and put his cock in my mouth again, fucked my mouth for a while, and stopped suddenly. I knew he was stopping so he wouldn't come. He wanted to fuck my cunt as much as I wanted it.

He rubbed my clit some more, making me cry out and strain my body toward him, and fucked my mouth one more time before climbing between my legs, putting the condom on his dick, and slipping inside of me.

Oh, god, I said.

God, he said back to me.

I love your cock, I said.

I love you, he said.

Oh god, I said. His cock was so thick and real inside of me. Give it me, I said.

I'm going to give it to you, I said, and fucked me harder.

I've wanted you for so long, I said.

I've wanted you for so long, he said. He pumped between my legs. I love the weight of his body on me. I love to caress his back as he fucks me, touch his hair, grab and hold his strong upper arms.

Give it me, I said.

Take it, he said. We looked into one another's eyes.

I want your cock, I said. I love your cock.

I love your cunt, he said.

God, you're so good, I said.

You're such a good fuck, he said.

I shifted the position of my legs. We groaned and grunted as we fucked. My entire body was filled with excited happiness.

It feels so good, I said. Yeah, yeah, oh my god.

Yeah, he said. Yeah. He sucked my nipple as he fucked me.

I want it, I said.

Take it, he said. His lip curled into something like a sneer. He fucked me quickly, to the point of delirium. We were in some other world, a world of only sex. Take it! he said.

Please, I said.

Take it, he said.

Yes, please, please, I said.

He pounded me, and his face was beautiful as the feelings overtook his body. I'm going to come, he said.

Come in me, I said. Please.

Aahhh, ahhhh, ahhhhr, ahhhhhhhr, he groaned and grunted as he pounded his cock into me. I watched his face as he slowly relaxed.

He lay down beside me and said, That felt so good, as he touched my tits and I rubbed my clit. It felt happy that it was my turn to come. I arranged the pillows to support my right arm and took my time, rubbing my clit sweetly as I rubbed my face on his face and smelled his neck.

Mmmm, I said, as I knew that coming was imminent. You touch, I said, and moved his hand to my cunt.

He rubbed my clit quickly, and I began whimpering. I'm going to come, I said. You're going to make me come. I imagined the thickness of his cock pumping in and out of me as the intense waves hit me, and I came on his hand as he continued to rub and stroke my clit with his sweet, beautiful fingers.

five things you didn't know about me

2006-11-10T16:29:00.000-08:00

There's a meme "five things you didn't know about me" that I read on another sex blogger's site and liked. But I keep this blog so super-anonymous, there are scarely five things you do know about me.

I have another blog for regular life, and this one's all sex, all the time. But what would you like to know, dear readers? And you, dear readers, are mostly strangers, and just a few friends.

1. After sex, I require cuddle. Also, I tend to be hungry.

2. My nipples are very sensitive. I can only wear bras that don't have a seam that goes over the nipple. Actually, I also wear my underwear insideout because the seams can bother me on underwear too. I wear my socks insideout for the same reason. And tags bother me, on my shirts, pants, skirts, dresses. I usually cut them off.

3. I don't shave. I wear long skirts a lot. I never wear any type of hose, tights, etc because I hate them. I like a lot of cotton and don't buy any clothes of unnatural fibers. However, much of my clothing was given to me, so I wear synthetics fibers sometimes. And it's hard to find 100% cotton socks.

4. I almost never have sex at night. Afternoon is peak.

5. I have never had anal sex and look forward to it. Both ways.

There, that was actually kind of easy.

rape fantasy

2006-11-07T20:33:00.000-08:00

warning:
pretend non-consensual sex ahead—skip if it’s not your thing

I asked him to put his dick in my mouth, and he did. I felt its details and was purely delighted and turned on. I asked, Do you want to pretend like I’m a little girl?

Like you don’t want it? he asked.

And I said yes. So I put on a blindfold, and he left the room. When he came back, he spoke as a stranger, with a stranger’s words and a deeper, more steady voice. Hello there, little girl. I’m here to fuck you, he said. Do you know what a cock is?

No, I said.

Well, right now, you’re going to suck it, he said. Suck it now. He shoved it into my mouth, and I sucked greedily.

Do you like sucking it? he asked.

No, I said.

He paused, then saw my little smile. Well, I’m going to make you suck it, he said. And I did.

Then he rubbed my tits hard and said, You have big tits, little girl. I like your tits, and I’m going to do whatever I want with them.

No, I said, and I covered my tits with my hands.

Yes, he said, grabbing my wrists and pushing them down on the bed. Yes. I’m going to do whatever I want to you. Now I’m going to fuck you. Do you want to be fucked, little girl?

No, I said.

Well, I’m going to fuck you anyway, he said. I could hear him putting the condom on. Now I’m putting my cock in your cunt.

No, I said. No, no, no.

Yes, he said, ramming it in. I’m fucking you, and it feels good.

No, I said.

Yes, he said and fucked me hard. I whimpered as he did.

Then I started to struggle. I twisted and turned to try to get away from him, and he pushed me down. I tried to push him off of me, and he held his place, fucking me even harder. I cried out in frustration and false dismay. I whimpered and moaned. He fucked me fast and passionately.

Our talking died down then. Our communication was all physical. I tried to close my legs. He roughly pushed them open wider, which made me gasp.

I tried to twist away again, and he held me down by the forearms, which slightly hurt in a way I enjoyed. I would struggle and rest, struggle and rest.

I was wet and panting. He was hot and sweating from pushing back against my strong arms and legs. My cunt was wide open to him. He did it to me like he was angry.

No, I said.

Yes, he said. I’m fucking you.

No, I said.

I’m going to come in you now, he said, and he grunted and groaned as he fucked me deeply and intently, and the come spurted inside of me.

We lay there gasping for air. Then his hand went to my cunt. I’m going to make you come now, little girl.

No, I said.

Yes, he said. I’m going to make you come by rubbing your clit.

I felt hotter and more aroused than ever. He rubbed my clit fast, and I pushed against his fingers. My whimpering was loud and desperate as he made me come, and huge waves of ecstatic happiness pounded through my body for a long time.

We took off my blindfold and smiled at one another.

We held eachother for a long time, and I asked, Was that okay? and, Do you think it's okay that I like that?

I like it too, he said, and he reassured me for as long as I wanted as he held me and petted my hair.

While pretending he was someone else, he had never been more himself. I know his body like I know my own. We could pretend anything, and I would only love him more.

in which I suck his dick, fuck him, and beat him off

2006-11-05T13:47:00.000-08:00

He was eating his lunch in bed, and I was lying beside him, curled up, and took off my shirt. He touched my breasts as he ate. I started rubbing his cock through his shorts and jiggling his balls. Tell me sexual messages, I said.

You’re so hot, he said. You’re very, very sexy.

What do you want to do with me? I asked.

I want to shoot my come on your tits, he said. I want you to see it.

Do you want me to beat you off? I asked. He said yes. It was decided that I would suck his dick, fuck him, and then beat him off.

So he finished his lunch and put his dick in my mouth. It was clean and felt young and healthy on my tongue, between my lips, and down my throat. He fucked my mouth. I licked the underside and grabbed his ass to force him deeper. I sucked like the greedy cock-whore that I am.

Get a condom, I said. I pushed him onto his back and went down on him some more. I went fast and without a lot of subtlety. He was gasping and happy, and I put the condom on him and climbed on.

I fucked him however I liked. I fucked him deeply and completely. Then I did it shallow and fast. I put him far into me and just humped him. He sucked my nipples and held my tits tightly. He moaned and made a lot of noise for me.

I squatted on the bed and fucked him fast like that. I put my hands on his shoulders and put the weight into my arms so I was pinning him. At one point, he gave me a look that means, You better stop or I’m going to come, so I stopped momentarily. Then I fucked him a little more.

He seemed so appreciative. I felt I could just go on forever. I was so wet, and it started feeling very good to me too, so I just rode him for a while, stopping every so often so he couldn’t come, and rode him some more.

When I got tired, I climbed off, and he removed the condom. I got some lubricant and jacked him off as fast as I could. Then I slowed down and went through the cycle over and over again. I rubbed the lubricant on his balls and squeezed them, then jacked him off some more, until he said, I’m going to come, and I went fast and hard. I saw the white, thick liquid squirt out of him, and I heard his groans. He came for a long time. I kept going for as long as I dared, watching his face. Then I rubbed the underside where the head meets the shaft while he rested and caught his breath.

That was incredible, he said. It’s like you can read my mind, he said. I sopped up his come with tissues and went to wash my hands.

Then I came back to bed and masturbated. He put two fingers inside of me, but then he put three, which felt incredible. I rubbed my clit and said his name over and over as I was close to coming. I was whimpering and groaning as the huge waves hit me, and I was coming as I imagined his cock moving in and out of me, slow and intense.

the bet

2006-10-30T13:19:00.000-08:00

We were talking about Carl Friedrich Gauss, the mathematician who discovered when he was a boy the formula for adding up the numbers from 1 to 100. Do you know this story?

This was when he was just a little kid, my husband said.

No way was he just a little kid! I said.

And so we made a bet. I bet he was more than ten years old, while my husband bet that he was less. We shook hands. The bet was our standard bet: one million dollars. But I wanted to have sex, so I made a suggestion.

How about if I win, I get to have sex with you. And if you win, you get to have sex with me? We laughed and agreed. He went to look it up.

What are you learning? I asked.

He was in third grade, my husband told me. I thought I had lost, because I wasn’t 10 until the fifth grade.

Then my husband started to laugh. You’ll never guess! he said. Gauss was 10.

Well, then we both lost, I said. Let’s have sex anyway.

So we were in bed naked, cuddling in the cold, happy and smiling. But I was not really horny. He suggested we look at pornography, but I said no.

One or the other of us got the idea that he should go down on me, but my period was still finishing up, so he got some plastic wrap at my request, because I didn’t want him to eat my blood.

Put some lubricant on my clit first, I said. I lay back on the bed with my legs spread wide.

The moment his fingers smeared the lubricant on my clit, I was entirely aroused. That’s what you should do if you want to make me horny, I said, and it felt so good that I had difficulty consenting to him going down on me, but he did.

His tongue played with my clit. He licked hard. Fast and slow he went. I was whimpering within seconds. I caressed my tits and went deeper and deeper into the feelings.

Don’t stop, I said. Stop stopping, I said. He was torturing me by stopping every few seconds, when I was at the edge of coming, and I couldn’t take it anymore.

I felt the eventuality build inside of me, but I was impatient. I wanted to come to my own aid. I was climbing the mountain an inch at a time.

But I knew he wanted to make me come entirely by himself, so I submitted to his will and lay there, rubbing my nipples furiously, imagining him fucking me aggressively, imagining his cock thrusting into me over and over again, being pinned, imagining him coming, imagining coming with him, concentrating on the quick way he flicked my clit with his tongue...

...then grinding myself in his face, all rational thought impossible as I became an animal entirely focused on orgasm that was about to hit me, whiney and getting screamy...

until finally it was about to arrive, and I was overcome, crying out and shrieking, his tongue relentlessly continuing to pound my clit as I writhed and felt the ecstatic equivalent of panic, when the feelings are just too much but all I want is for them to continue. The orgasm flowed through my body like water, and all the strain was over.

He continued to lick me for a long time, as I lay there completely relaxed. The intense feelings were replaced with a deeply satisfied peace.

Finally I pushed him off of me, and he kissed me and held me. The plastic had shifted in all the excitement, but there wasn’t really any blood. What do you want to do now, I asked, and he wanted to beat off on me while I tugged at his balls.

So he got lubricant and beat off. I put lubricant on his balls too, and pulled on them. Ultimately, he came on my tits.

fucking on a cold afternoon

2006-10-17T21:57:00.000-07:00

Today he was taking a break from training for work, and we lay in bed. It was a cold afternoon, but the window was open, and leaves were blowing in the wind.

We cuddled, and we kissed. I slipped my tongue into his mouth and moved his hand to my breast. I grabbed his cock through his clothes—it was hard—and asked him if he wanted to be close. He did.

We took off our clothes and lay together under the covers, snug and cozy, masturbating together. My clit felt wide, juicy, alive. Do you like masturbating with me? I asked, and he said yes.

He got a condom, positioned himself between my legs, and slipped into me. I pulled the covers around us to keep us warm. I held him and caressed his head and neck. He thrust himself into me sweetly.

I pushed my tits together so he could get a good view. He sucked one nipple then the other as he fucked me. One of the angles he chose put a lot of pressure on my clit, and it felt so good that I started whimpering. God, I said. I love you. I trust you, I said. I belong to you. You can do whatever you want to me.

He wanted to make me come, I could tell. I whimpered more as the sex felt better and better. I was at the edge of coming and wanted it so bad. He would speed up, but fast isn’t what I wanted.

I held my tits and touched my nipples. We were getting hot and sweaty, so I threw off the covers, and the cool air was on our skin. I caressed his back and gently dug my nails in when the fucking felt extra-good. I might come, he warned me as he pumped himself inside me.

That’s good, I said, and he did. I grabbed him and held on tight as he cried out and fucked me hard. His hand went to the condom, and when he pulled out, my hand went to my clit immediately. I rubbed it and stroked it fast. He was between my legs still, with his hands on my breasts, and he brushed his fingertips back and forth on my nipples quickly. My head was thrown back, and I felt a little afraid as I realized an intense orgasm was building. I heard myself whimpering loudly as I tried to hold it off for a few seconds longer.

Then it hit me, and my entire body tensed as the hot, delicious waves pounded through my body. I heard myself crying out the way I have been, lately, trying to stay quiet but a little out of control.

My body remained tense as I continued to rub my clit slowly and continued to come, until the feelings tapered to a more ordinary feeling of happiness, and I was filled with a calm and used up, finished feeling and the desire to hold onto my husband, rub my face on his face, and tell him, You’re my husband, you’re my partner, you’re everything to me.

lust

2006-10-15T23:16:00.000-07:00

We were cuddling in bed. Are you horny? I asked. My clit was alert and interested. I squeezed my thighs together to increase the ache. I felt tipsy, though it was the middle of the day, and I don’t drink.

Then he was lying on his back, and I went down on him. His cock was small at first. I like to make it big in my mouth—I like to take it the full range from small and soft, to big and gagging. I went down on him with enthusiasm. When it made me gag too much, I used my hand for a while, then back to sucking his dick again.

Get a condom, I told him. I sucked his dick until he seemed very ready, then put the condom on him and fucked him. I put my hands on the bed above his shoulders and fucked him with long, complete strokes. I put my hands on his shoulders and fucked him fast and shallower. I leaned back and sat on him, making little motions, watching his face and listening to the speed of his breathing to make sure he really liked everything I was doing, learning about him all the time.

When I had my hands on the bed above his shoulders, he stared at my tits and played with them, sucking my nipples, which I loved. I had my right foot on the floor, and that was good, but it taxed me, so I rolled off him to my side of the bed.

He got some lubricant and touched my clit. It was sweet as I rested. Then he wanted to fuck me some more. I lay there masturbating. Tell me when to turn over, I said.

Turn over, he said. He put a new condom on and entered me hard. As usual, the first penetration from behind feels exciting and surprising, and I make a sound that communicates that to both of us.

He fucked me like mad, just pounding me, then slowing to almost a tease. This cycle happened over and over again. I listened carefully to his sounds and the squeaking of the bed. I loved to hear him so happy. He sounded uninhibited and completely lost in the act of sex. My pleasure was so increased by knowing he was well. He’s been so stressed out and moody lately that I feel intense sex is one of the best things I can do for him.

I’m going to come, he said, and his cries intensified, and his fucking became more deliberate and shuddering. His hand went to the condom. He kept fucking me that way for a little while, wanting the moment to continue.

Then I masturbated. He fucked me with the blue vibrator from behind as I rubbed my clit. When I finally came, it was as intense as the day before, and I was making high shrieking sounds as the waves hit me hard and in quick succession.

We only had a little while to cuddle afterwards because I needed to take a shower and go to a religious meeting, the one where we ask to be purified of the stain of lust. I don’t know if this disconnect between my sex life and outside religous life can continue.

porn viewing and what happened after

2006-10-14T21:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, we watched straight porn together for the first time. We had looked at gay porn together, before. I had to be very brave to watch this straight porn with him. Somehow my porn viewing seemed more real, now that I had a witness. It was emotionally difficult, especially afterwards, feeling the gnaw of guilt after a life of being told how tamped down and unimportant my sexual feelings were supposed to be if I wanted to be a moral, respectable woman. By viewing this porn, I was defying all of that, and should I be embarassed or ashamed? I know rationally that my habits are healthy, but it scares me sometimes to step so far away from what my family and culture have trained me to be.

On another, more animal level, we were just horny to the point of drooling. I rubbed my clit with my right hand as I jacked him off with my left, watching the hottest of the porn I had found on my own, over the past few weeks: enthusiastic couples doing it in hotel rooms, a young three-some in Germany.

Slow down, he kept cautioning me, so he wouldn't come as I touched his cock. I had to stop a few times myself so I wouldn't come, until finally we were flushed and shakey and made our way to the bedroom.

He fucked me from behind so deeply, we were gasping. My cunt had never felt so slippery--it felt like he wasn't even wearing a condom. We were out of our minds.

My cunt ached with the need to come. I reached my right hand to my clit and gave a few rubs until I was crying and making high-pitched shrieking sounds as I came, one of the most intense orgasms that I remember, as he pounded me from behind.

Then he came too, as out of control as I had been, bucking and crying out.

We cuddled for a long time, exhausted and spent: that strange feeling when reality hits you, and slowly you're a human being again. It's okay to leave the trance when I'm in his arms, we're sleepy, and we're filled with religious peace.

fall

2006-10-09T14:17:00.000-07:00

It was night. We had only the small lamp shining. We were talking in bed--I don't remember what it was about.

I touched his cock through his green knit boxer shorts, and it got hard right away. I unbottoned the opening of his shorts, and his cock stuck straight up. I carassed it and rubbed it with spit on my hand. I held his balls and touched the base of his cock with my fingertips. I traced the ridge where the head meets the shaft. I stoked it slowly and long, and then I jacked him off quick and shallow. I played with it for a long time, and he was completely still, motionless as a statue, until finally he moved to take off his clothes, and I took off mine.

He opened a condom and fucked me. His cock was plunging into me in all different ways. I would change the angle of his entrance, and he would go fast then slow. He came to a complete stop so he wouldn't come and then started again.

I pushed my tits together, and he stared as he fucked me. He sucked one nipple, fucked me fast, sucked the other, fucked me fast again.

I would do anything for you, I said.

What I really meant was that I would do anything if he would just keep fucking me like that. I felt deeply satisfied with his partnership. I felt no other man or woman could interest me in any way if he just kept fucking me forever.

The cat was crying. Should we just ingnore him? he asked.

I said no, and he let the cat out. When he came back, he plunged into me again right away. He fucked me beautifully, and we looked into eachother's eyes.

His motions became more foreceful and needy. My eyes were closed, and my head was back. I'm going to come, he said, and he did. His eyes were closed now, as I watched the pain-like expressions on his face, so much beauty.

He held me and played with my nipples as I masturbated. I imagined him fucking me from behind--I imagined it was the next day, and I was getting fucked again, but harder and more aggressively.

I imagined my clit as a vibrant center of my being to rub and rub until the pleasure exploded inside me. He looked at me with tenderness as I looked into his eyes and shared the feelings with him as I came and my body was shuddering.

We cuddled for a long time and then got up to have more night. I made coconut and carob cookies, and before we went to sleep, we wrote poems.

charmed

2006-09-25T20:24:00.000-07:00

I found him charming and felt my sexual needs stirring. We took a shower and went to bed.

I asked him to fuck my mouth, and he did. I could feel every vein as it slid in and out of my mouth, the ridge where the head meets the shaft, its thickness and length, the softness of its skin, the vitality of its alive-ness.

He stoped, and we kissed. His hands went to my breasts and found my nipples. His mouth followed, and he sucked at them and licked them with his beautiful tongue.

He fucked my mouth again, and I ran my hands over his thighs and ass. I grabbed his ass and pulled him toward me so the head of his cock would go into my throat. I grabbed him roughly so he would have to fuck my mouth deeper.

He stopped to kiss me again, and he fucked my mouth again. I was rubbing my clit with my right hand.

He got a condom and slid his cock into my cunt. My legs were spread wide for him, and his cock went into me deeply. I love you, I said. I trust you, I said.

We got dazed and grunted together, and it went on and on. I carassed his back and his upper arms. I touched the back of his neck and his face. I dug my nails into his back and felt the motion of his hips with my hands as I felt it in my cunt.

Then I asked him if he would like me from behind, and I got on all fours. He fucked me soundly, his cock even deeper within me. Again, it was like when he was fucking my mouth--I could feel his cock in such detail. I was hyper-aware, and my consciousness was concentrated on the sensations of being penetrated and his hands on my ass as he fucked me.

I want it, I said. Give it to me, I said.

We went into a trance, and sometimes he would slow almost to a stop. I would be the one them supplying motion, and I saw how hard and fast he would let me do it to him. I grabbed at the bed and listened to his small moans until he said, I'm going to come and rammed it into me strongly as I listened to him and felt it with empathy.

He eased himself out of me, his hand to the condom, and prasied me as we lay down together, smiling. He rubbed my clit, and I asked him to do it like my birthday. He made me come, and I love him.

birthday sex

2006-09-22T18:48:00.000-07:00

It was morning, after breakfast, and we were cuddling in bed. You have a boner! I noticed.

From touching your hip, he said.

His cock looked beautiful. I touched it and jerked him off fast then slow. Can I touch you? he asked, and I said yes. He got lubricant and started rubbing my clit.

Go fast and slow like I do, I said. He obeyed me, and soon I was panting. I had wanted to fuck a lot, but it was inevitable that I was going to come. He rubbed fast, and I strained to get the angle I wanted. When he went slowly, I relaxed and moaned. The fast moments lengthened, and I started shaking. I whimpered as I felt the insensity grow, and I knew I was going to come. He went slow. And when he sped up, I cried out as I came. I felt very loved and comepletely happy, entirely satisfied.

Then he put on a condom and fucked me a little, going very slowly, deep inside me, and I watched him carefully from my clear-headed vantage of having already come.

Then he took off the condom and knealed beside me, and I jacked him off onto my tits. In a matter of seconds, the hot liquid was spurting onto my nipples, and he was as happy as I was.

We held one another, and my cunt felt a wonderful loose, used, fulfilled feeling that it had found its destiny for the day.

something new

2006-09-14T14:28:00.000-07:00

Last night we were lying in bed, and I touched his balls with just my fingertips. They felt so soft. I lightly stroked them. Then I grabbed them and jiggled them.

His cock got hard, and I touched it gently with my fingertips too until it was fully large and standing up. I put spit on my hand and started rubbing and pulling his dick in earnest.

Then I alternated among sucking him off, jacking him off slowly, and jerking him off really fast. I would use one method until he was about to come, then change to another method, and do this again and again. He never knew what was next. I might come, he whispered to me, but I didn't let him, and a minute later he would warn me again, but I wouldn't let him.

Finally he was in my mouth, and it was inevitable. I switched to the fast jerking off and watched his face as he lost it. The nice semen spurted on his belly. I kept at it for a long time.

This fast method I have I learned from pornography, gay porn in particular. Even though my husband is circumcised, it's still possible to use the penis-skin like a foreskin and masturbate with the skin itself. Maybe everyone already knows this, but it was news to me, and news to him, and he really likes it.

We talked about it, and he told me how when he was young, masturbation was a shameful thing, and he didn't happily experiment and learn because it was all sad and rushed.

I washed up and came back to bed. He turned on the blue vibrator and fucked me with it while I masturbated. But I wanted both my nipples touched. I stacked two pillows on the bed and mounted them, with the vibrator inside of me, the vibrator propped against the pillows, and fucked it as I rubbed my clit and my husband had both my breasts in his hands.

I wasn't sure if this was an okay thing to do. Always before when we used the vibrator, I was lying on my back, or it was from behind. It felt a little risky to fuck the vibrator in this way, like maybe I would hurt my husband's feelings.

But it felt so good! I rode and rubbed, his thumbs on my nipples, and I could feel myself coming from a long way off--I could feel the inevitability.

I fucked the vibrator hard, rubbed my clit hard, and I was feeling the happy-scared feeling when the orgasm is huge and somehow frightens me, but in a good way--I feel my body is being overtaken by a force so great, it's very out of my control.

I whimpered then moaned and cried as my cunt reached its point of orgasm and my heart pumped the joy-chemicals throughout my body. My cunt felt triumphant and powerful--I felt very powerful and deeply myself.

Later I asked my husband if all of that had been okay, and he was purely delighted with everything. I'm so happy we have one more way of being close now.

religious

2006-09-13T11:22:00.000-07:00

This picture makes me feel comforted.

in which he is aggresive with me

2006-09-11T20:37:00.000-07:00

He touched my breasts and slid his finger into me, rubbed my clit, and I was happy with him in bed, gasping.

Then he fucked my mouth. I wanted it in my throat. I liked the brief feeling of powerlessness and fear as my air supply would get cut off for just a second here and there. It made a thrill go through my body.

I got on all fours, and he fucked me from behind, harder than he ever had. He would go very slow and soft, and then all of a sudden just start pounding me. I didn't know quite what had caused this furious feeling on his part, but I liked it. I felt very submissive and high on the extremes of gentle and rough.

Then we lay back on the bed, and I wanted to come. I was rubbing my clit as he fucked me with two fingers. When I came, again he was aggressive, making me cry out loud and long as he rubbed my clit harder than I do myself, and I liked it.

Then he put on another condom and fucked me from above. He was deep inside me, and I felt so clear-headed and attentive--since I had already come, I could pay a different kind of very close attention to him, and I revelled in the sensations of being penetrated and ridden, watching his face and trying to know what he was feeling.

Then he took the condom off and jacked off on my tits. Only a few seconds and he was coming on me as I pushed them together to provide a good view. There was a lot of it, and we cleaned up and cuddled.

It was afternoon and getting hot. Fall comes and goes, here. Today was summer again.

the past three days

2006-09-08T22:15:00.000-07:00

Today I blindfolded him and attended to his dick for a long time. I made him gasp. I didn't let him come when he wanted to. I watched the expression of his mouth to see when to slow down. I jerked him off and went down on him alternately. Finally, he did come, and I was unrelenting. You took me to another plane, he said.

My cunt was dripping, I was so aroused. I washed up and came back to bed, masturbated as he told me what I had done to him. He fucked me with two fingers as I rubbed my clit. He sucked my left nipple. We took me to the edge and backed off twice. Then I cried out as I came.

We were so happy then. We cuddled and daydreamed and asked one another questions like, How did you get so cute?

I showered and snacked and hurried to a religious meeting where one of the chants was asking to be purified of the stain of lust. I grinned to myself.

Do I not belong? Do they know I don't belong? To them, would I be like a thief, if they knew? I like the religion generally, but this is my main disagreement.

Yesterday he fucked me from behind on the living room floor. The day before, we fucked half the afternoon. Being unemployed, we have plenty of time for this. We take a shower, and I lie in bed. Inevitably, I feel so clean and good that it makes me horny. I ask to access his package, and the rest is history.

He was still eating his lunch. I asked him to take his shorts off, and I went down on him while he ate. Let me put this down, he said.

No, it will get cold! I said. So I made him keep eating, which was funny and fun.

unio mystica

2006-09-05T11:43:00.000-07:00

I just wrote a long post about religious and mystical experiences during sex, and blogger ate it. *sob*

I will mention here briefly that I have mystical experiences during sex often, and my husband does too. All of the sex we have had in recent years involves religious elements to varrying degrees. We often experience the sensation of being one. We often enter trance-like states which result in us feeling healed and transformed.

I often have the feeling that our sex is occurring somewhere other than its actual location, such as a dusty roadside beside a fence. I've also had intense experiences during sex involving colors. For example, after sex I've been able to articulate how I felt we had been enfolded within blue-ness. Everything was blue, and the blue-ness permeated everything we did and felt in a way that was extremely pleasurable.

Also, the feeling of being one with nature--a visceral experience of pantheism?--is something that I have often, during sex and also in other contexts.

http://primal-page.com/wade2.htm

Here's a book review where you can read more about unio mystica. Thanks for my friend Sh for asking me to discuss this.

pleasure on Thursday

2006-08-26T17:09:00.000-07:00

He was hiking, and I was looking at porn much the day. My friend S showed me a 20-minute scene from a movie where two women were having sex. I liked it a lot.

Then when my husband came home from hiking, he took a shower, and we did it on the living room floor. I went down on him--he was hard and big. Then we looked at some porn I thought he would like. I rubbed his dick as we watched, and he rubbed my nipples.

Then we lay on the floor again, and he went down on me. Normally, I have a hard time allowing him to go down on me because I feel selfish, but in so much of the porn I had been watching, this was the norm, so I let him--asked him to, in fact, and he was happy to oblige--and asked him to stick two fingers in my cunt for good measure. It felt so good! I felt very happy and moaned a lot, which also seemed normal, from the porn I'd been viewing. See, this was the good and helpful kind of porn.

We stopped after a while, and then he told me he wanted to make me come that way. I was hungry, so orgasm wasn't easy, and I rubbed my clit a little to get me further along. When he did make me come, it was intimate and intense, as well as intimate and sweet. I felt so grateful and loved.

Then he knealed by my side and jacked off for a while, as I played with my tits and jiggled them for him. Then I took over and jacked him off, ultimately making him come on my chest and tits. The come shot onto my neck also. It was loving and very satisfying.

Yesterday morning I went to the women's health clinic for free condoms, so we're ready to go again.

available

2006-08-24T20:42:00.000-07:00

I still have copies of the sex zine available. It's quarter-sized, text-heavy with a few line-drawings. The text is taken from this blog but with a project-contextualizing post-script. It's free for the asking--just email me an address at greenlacewingwoman at yahoo dot com.

an overview

2006-08-22T21:30:00.000-07:00

We fucked in the bath tub. We did it on our knees, then standing up for as long as his legs could last, then I was squatting on top of him and made him come.

We fucked in bed. We looked at gay porn and men masturbating and then did it like animals, sort of.

We fucked some more, another day.

We fucked regularly and thoroughly.

Last night we talked for a long time about delicate subjects, and then I needed some release. He'd showered after exercising. He was lying there naked, on his back. His balls looked so beautiful, valuable, vulnerable, and clean. I touched them, so big, pink, and soft.

Then I touched his dick a little, and it got bigger. I decided to stop pretending we weren't going to make love and just grabbed it.

I went down on him and used my hand alternately. He would be about to come in my hand, then I would suck it for a while, and he would be about to come in my mouth, and I would jack him off again. It was good.

Then he did come, and I washed up. He told me, You're incredible. He told me what he had been saying to me in his head.

I masturbated and then he made me come, my left nipple in his mouth, his fingers on my clit, and I was happy. We went to sleep after midnight knowing full-well we'd be tired at work, but it was okay.

imagining

2006-08-11T21:44:00.000-07:00

I like being held down, mostly my wrists, but also my shoulders. Lately he sometimes grabs my ankles, which I like because I love my ankles touched at all. And it's similar, the feel of his hands around my wrists. It's a very erotic loved feeling I get.

I have to resist the urge to ask whether there's something wrong with me that I like this. One of my favorite things about sex is how it's pretty "anything goes" and though I don't like seeing others enact darkness in scary porn, I like to enact my own--in fact, it's one of the most erotic things to do, isn't it?

Personally, so many fantasies I have are about not having agency and not being responsible for my actions, which is very common, I know, when culture tells us as young people confusing messages about sex being bad--I wanted it so much, when I was newly adolescent, yet couldn't completely handle wanting it.

And falling in love with my husband, when I was with someone else, it's as if even in the fantasies, I had to relinquish responsibility so I wouldn't be a bad person for wanting it. So there had to be some degree of force.

As someone who was raped before, I'm sure all of this is more charged. Am I trying to re-enact being raped but with someone I love and with caring outcomes? That's a good question. I have the belief that people who have been raped and molested are more sexually focused and sexual in general, maybe since the trauma forces a person into self-analysis, or makes sex more loaded and therefore more undeniable. I'd be interested to learn more about this.

Fantasies are hilarious what I will and will not allow. Last night in the car, a long car ride, I was having a fantasy about a women being held down and fucked by many men in turn, something I haven't seen in porn--maybe it's too dark to be common, or maybe I've been lucky because the way porn-makers would depict it would terrify me.

But in my fantasy, she does like it, and maybe it's friendly and a game. In porn, I see many men with a woman, but not restraining her, and she seems very busy, too much going on, and I can't focus well on any one thing.

There are limitations on what I let myself imagine, and how often, loyalty to my husband even in my mind. I'll be lying in bed fantacising about him when he's in the other room. I'll imagine him looking at me certain ways and saying he loves me in a particular tone of voice.

Or I imagine people fucking in a tent, or I imagine him saying things he doesn't really say. What do I like? The most attractive things for me are intelligence, creativity, caring, a loving gaze, a large vocabulary.

enthusiastic

2006-08-02T23:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had him sit on my lower ribcage and fuck my tits, which we'd smeared with lubricant. I enjoyed watching him and feeling it, but I made the mistake of licking the head of his cock as it came near my mouth--the lubricant tasted terrible.

Why had we never done it that way? I thought I was too big around, or his legs were too thick and muscular, but it worked well. I told him I got the idea from some porn I'd seen, but he didn't mind at all. He's very rational and easy to please.

Today I had him sit on my chest and fuck my mouth that way. He was worried he was oppressing me, as his cock went down my throat, but I liked it and didn't feel oppressed at all. He was worried I would feel pinned or trapped, which I was, in a way, but I completely trust him. So on the third try, he let himself relax and completely enjoy it, and that was a beautiful thing.

We did it that way three different times, and then he touched my tits while I sucked his dick another way, and I was at the edge of coming. We were both losing it, which is my favorite, stopping so we won't come, taking ourselves to the edge and then stopping to kiss for a minute, doing this again and again.

Then he put a condom on and fucked me from behind. He was going in slow motion so as not to come. I felt so thoroughly fucked and present in my body. Finally he did come, and it was nothing short of glorious.

Then I had him fuck me with his fingers as I rubbed my clit, and I came that way, still on my knees, my upper body pushing against the bed as if it were a person and I was being held by it. It's so good to be young, alive, healthy, in love.

morning

2006-07-27T21:07:00.000-07:00

He was giving me my breakfast. He set it at the edge of my desk, but there already was a book at the edge of my desk, so my breakfast teetered there.

Why does life have to be so hard for you? I asked.

That's a very good question! he said, and we looked into one another's eyes and laughed.

too much porn

2006-07-25T16:26:00.000-07:00

But I have been looking at too much porn lately. It's the dark stuff that gets into my head and makes me feel dirty--the bad kind of dirty--when people use porn to enact their issues, and it doesn't feel good to watch. When the woman's getting abused, basically. It's not for me.

And when I feel myself staying at the computer more than I really want to--just one more--it feels like long ago when I was unhappy and used porn for some comfort, but it was low quality and didn't nourish my soul.

So I need to lay off the porn for now. Yesterday, when I closed my eyes, I saw these close-ups of a cock sliding in and out of a cunt, and it got to the point where it wasn't beautiful or even nice, felt more like a compulsion. I had stumbled onto some pro stuff--not that all pro stuff has to be bad--but this was filled with gender trouble of the sort that smarts.

I like amateur stuff so much more, when the couple seems to love one another. I like the moment when one will reach for the other's hand, as they fuck, and I really think they like eachother.

Listening to me talk about porn is like listening to the ignorant talk about her ignorance--I really know nothing about it but what little I've seen with my own eyes or made in my own bedroom, very limited experience, and I will spare you, my dear reader.

present

2006-07-25T16:12:00.000-07:00

I got him into bed with me. I sucked his dick, to begin with, which happens almost always....

I go down on him until he's moaning and about to come. I have a condom out of its wrapper and waiting. My cunt aches with arousal as I fuck him with my mouth.

Then I put the condom on him and quickly slip him into me. We look into one another's eyes as we real-learn what it feels like for me to ride him. I become confident. I remember how to make it feel best. He murmurs and strains toward me. He plays with my tits, sucks my nipples, paws me and stares, then squeezes his eyes shut and says, Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah.

Then I get on my feet--we're on the floor in the living room--and squat above him, bouncing on his dick fast, grabbing his shoulders and watching him. And then he says, I'm going to come. I watch his face contort, and I revel in his happiness and satisfaction.

Then I lie down, he touches my tits while I rub my clit, and when I know I'll come, I put his hand there to make him do it. When I come, I grab him hard and hold him to me, crying out, high and long, as the orgasm fills my body with the best reward I know and could ever know.

So that's what it's like, lately. Ever since Saturday when he got home from the hike, and I had been looking at porn for three hours. He was dehydrated and exhausted but pleased when I wanted to have my way with him, and I did have my way. He can just lie there--I don't care. I'll do it all to him.

fucking him

2006-07-19T09:42:00.000-07:00

We cuddled and looked into one another's eyes a lot. I wasn't in a hurry. He touched my tits, and I touched his cock.

Then I went down on him. I pushed him back on the floor and sucked his dick, licked it up and down on the underside, fucked him with my mouth, pushing him as deep as he can go, listening to him moan. My right hand was at the base of his dick, holding on, or carassed his thigh and ass. My left arm was reaching up and grasping his shoulder.

I might come, he said, but I didn't want him to, so I slowed down a lot and stalled. Then I went down on him again with vigor, and kept him at the edge for as long as I wanted to, tasting the pre-come. To me, this is one of the greatest pleasures of life, to know someone well enough to keep them at the edge for a long time.

I got a condom and put it on him and slipped his dick into me. I fucked him quickly and watched his expression change as he played with my tits. I had a lot of energy. It was night and just cool enough for sex.

Then I got onto my feet to squat over him. His dick was inside my cunt, and my hands were on his shoulders as I bouced on his dick very quickly. I'm going to come, he told me, and his face contorted in powerful feelings as he came.

I lay on the floor beside him and rubbed my clit as he played with my tits and praised me. When I felt I would come, I put his hand there and made him push me over. I cried out and held him to me hard.

We lay on the floor for a long time afterward. He petted my hair, and we talked. I touched his chest. We had nothing to do.

tub spout

2006-07-14T19:30:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid and teenager, I had a variety of masturbation methods, but one of my favorites was letting the water in the tub flow over my clitoris until I came. I thought of this all by myself (I didn't speak about masturbation with anyone, when I was 10). It worked very well. I spent a lot of time in the bath.

Today my husband and I were in the shower, and I had him sit on the edge of the tub. I went down on him. His dick was so clean and wholesome. I licked the underside as I fucked him with my mouth. I was in no hurry--we have nothing we need to do. I lay in the tub and sucked him off at my leisure. He moaned and said, It feels so good.

I was happy to bring him some pleasure, but I also felt a little detached and matter-of-fact about it. Going down on him is a true joy but is also a normal thing to do, happy and easy. His cries got louder, and I was a little concerned about the neighbors, but not enough to stop and caution him. My left hand grasped his cock at the base as my mouth sucked away, and my tongue lapped.

My cunt was more interested the louder he became, and he began to lose control as he said, I might come. I like to see him lose control. So I was emotional and very horny by then. He came in my mouth, spurting an unusually large quantity of semen into my mouth, and his dick stayed hard longer than usual. I kept licking until it was mostly small.

Then we cleaned up a bit with the convenient tub water, and I told him I wanted to masturbate like when I was little, and he could sit behind me and touch my tits. I let the water out of the tub, and then I adjusted the stream of water coming from the spout. I positioned my cunt below the stream and put my head in my husband's lap. He soaped up my tits and touched my nipples.

I lay there. I didn't know what to do. It definitely felt good, and my cunt was swelled with arousal, but it was strange not to do anything, to just passively wait for an orgasm from the water. I tried to fantacize, but the stream of water felt so different from the kinds of sex I have with my husband. I liked it, and sometimes I thought I would eventually get to the home-stretch of coming, but after about 20 minutes of this, I gave up.

I guess I can't come this way anymore! I told my husband. We retired to the bedroom. He fucked me with the blue vibrator, and I rubbed my clit until I came. It's the middle finger of my right hand I use. That was difficult too, so maybe I'm just a bit off, today.

These are the primary sentences I imagine being said to me as I masturbate.

I want to fuck you so bad.

I've always wanted to fuck you.

I love you.

my husband

2006-07-13T11:02:00.000-07:00

He is the nicest person I ever met. His heart is pure. He cares about everyone. Any mistake he makes is an oversight or error of expectation. He would do anything for me. He's brimming full of goodness like the goodness is an actual white light glowing inside him. Moral, emotional, attentive, cautious. He can get a little pissy when he's driving and angry about politics. But he's just pure good.

Not me--I get vengeful and can be mean when I'm feeling slighted. Are you making fun of me? I ask. I'm sensitive about things I shouldn't be, take stuff personally, and don't let it go. I'm demanding and can be critical. I'm moral, emotional, attentive, and cautious too, and I try to be gentle, but I'm not always succesful. He is. When I'm tired, I get snappy. He never gets snappy. This goodness is as true a reason as any why I married him four years ago.

All this purity might be a bit boring if he wasn't also wildly creative, stunningly brilliant, gifted with curiousity and a long attention span for learning, funny, charming, and gorgeous.

Elsewhere I've described his muscular thighs, beautiful package, broad shoulders, the squishy layer of fat under his skin that makes him so cuddly and snuggle-able. And his soft, white skin.

But I probably didn't mention his dazzling green eyes, lucious mouth, perfect ass. The vulnerability of his personhood. He's explicitly sweet. When I look into his eyes, I feel like I'm looking into perfection, not cold and precise, but a living and changing perfection of goodness and warmth that's focused on my well-being.

The few friendships he does form, he loves his friends very much. He's as emotional as I am, which is saying a lot.

areola, snowballing

2006-07-12T15:03:00.000-07:00

A friend who I sent the sex zine to commented that the colored area around my nipples is really big, which I had never really believed to be true, but I was looking at some porn the other day and realized that she's right. The nipples themselves aren't really big, but that colored area is a bit remarkable.

In other news, I learned what snowballing is. It's when he comes in your mouth and then you kiss him. And according to some definitions, you swap the semen back and forth. My husband I have kissed after he came in my mouth. And I think he was neutral about it as opposed to it being an erotic thing.

right away

2006-07-11T10:44:00.000-07:00

When he got home from work yesterday, we took off our clothes at the door. We went to bed immediately. Yet there were delays. Do you need a snack? I asked. He had a banana and touched my breasts. Do you need to wash? I asked. He decided he wanted to.

I went to the computer to look at porn while he took a shower, but I got sidetracked in a discussion of race and porn. Before I knew it, he was clean, and we went back to bed. He smelled so nice from the new linden soap.

I went down on him as he fondled my nipples and I masturbated. His dick was lovely and eager in my mouth. This is a variation of what I described enjoying last time--rather than him knealing behind me, he lies on his side to my left, and I suck his dick that way. So I don't have his balls on my nose, or the feeling of remarkable vulnerability, but he's more comfortable.

I might come, he said, as I energetically went down on him. I slowed, hoping to delay him. I was about to come too. We were very horny, and he said, I'm going to come and spurted into my mouth. I let myself come at the same time, and it was beautiful, though difficult to keep going down on him as my body was overwhelmed by intense, incapacitating pleasure, and we had some miscommunication about where I wanted his hands.

It was over quickly. I was a little sad because I had felt a lot of energy like I could have fucked for hours. I put his semen into a tissue. We cuddled and talked, very physically peaceful.

Then we got up, I looked at porn some more, and I started laughing as I read the FAQ of a guy who does autofellatio. Someone asked him if sucking his own dick made him gay, and I thought that was a really funny dumb question. So I showed my husband some of the pictures, and joked with him about yoga and if he would like to be able to do that.

Later we found ourselves in bed again, and I told him about the discussion of race and porn, and he told me how much he likes when I share with him my experiences of viewing porn, and it arouses him. He was wearing some blue flannel boxer shorts. Do you have a boner? I asked, and touched his dick through his shorts.

Of course, it's difficult to stop touching his dick once I start. I felt it grow to its full length and width through the soft fabric, and I liked the way it looked, poking and straining. I always like touching him through clothes, and being touched through clothes myself.

But I took his chonies off, and touched his dick with spit on my hand, and went down on him again. I have a hard time keeping him out of my mouth. His dick was so nice and familiar after already going down on him two hours before.

Want to be close again? I asked. We went to the livingroom to take advantage of the air conditioning there. I got on all fours on the floor. He put a condom on and fucked me joyfully from behind, so I was very happy, because that's what I wanted originally. We went at it for a long time, and he moaned as he gave it to me good.

When he was at an apex of excitement, I told him to come in me, and remarkably, he didn't protest--remarkably because that's against current policy (I'll have to ask him about that). He checked if the condom was on properly and gave me his all, came loudly, to my great happiness, though probably not the neighbor's. I heard some noises from downstairs--doors slamming, either a coincidence or anger.

Then I masturbated as he spoke caringly to me and touched my nipples. He sucked my left nipple, and I worked dilligently for my second orgasm of the evening, rubbing the hell out of my clit, whimpering, and when I did finally come, it was small reward, a flood of pleasure over quickly as if my body believed I had already had my due, though I wouldn't have had it any other way, and it's better to have come small than not to have come at all....

Later yet, I was telling him about the prostate gland and telling him how men can come dry and some describe the orgasms as more intense and powerful than regular ones. Finally I seem to have convinced him to let me in his ass! He's interested.

It's been so long I've been trying to interest him in anal sex, not that I want him to fuck me in the ass, but that I want to do him. So I feel one step closer to that goal. And we got sort of aroused again, but there was no way we were going to go for round three on a school night.

lately

2006-07-10T12:47:00.000-07:00

This is something I have been enjoying lately: I lie on my back, and he's on his knees behind my head. He puts his dick in my mouth and touches my breasts as I rub my clit. I like the feel of his dick in my mouth, his balls on my nose, and his hands have a complete freedom as they touch my breasts. I feel vulnerable in a way that gets me off, entirely bare to him.

The last two times we've done this, I have come before him, which is unusual. I always like to take care of him before getting to come myself. Once he has come, I feel I can really concentrate and focus on myself.

But lately, I've been very aroused and came first. I think it's because I really like my nipples to be touched both at the same time, for quite a while, and the vulnerability I mentioned before.

When I can't continue any longer, I ask him to hold me. He squeezes me in his arms, his entire body against mine, and I feel safe as I allow the orgasm to flood my body with intense, scary joy and I convulse. Convulse is such an ugly word, but what do I mean. Strange involuntry muscle movements in my whole body at the same time as my mind is entirely occupied. Or unoccupied.

So then after I come, I jerk him off onto my tits. And we clean up and cuddle and go to sleep. After sex I'm usually sleepy or hungry. Sometimes both. We're very much cuddle-sleepers, which is difficult when it's so hot....

after reading

2006-07-04T16:28:00.000-07:00

It was night. It was late. We were naked because it was hot. He read to me some Virginia Woolf in bed. Then he put the book down, and we were sleepy. I felt affectionate toward him and petted his package until his penis got large and very attentive.

Want to be close? I asked, which is a silly question. I went down on him. We lay on our sides, and my pillow was under my head. We took our time. I sucked his dick, rubbed the underside with my tongue, and jacked him off occassionally, for a little while, or held the shaft in my hand while I sucked just the head and ran my tongue around it.

He started to moan a lot, and I didn't change anything I was doing but slowed. The night was quiet and beautiful. The window was open, and the air was cooling down.

His moans became more urgent, which made my cunt ache, and he said, "I'm going to come." I nodded, and almost right away, the white liquid was spurting in my mouth and throat. For a long time, he came. I held his dick in my mouth and gently licked the underside, where the head meets the shaft.

As I listened to him, my cunt was almost in pain from the need to be touched. I kept his dick in my mouth until it was small. My pillow was soaked in semen on the corner where I had allowed the semen to escape my mouth.

We cleaned up with tissues. We looked into eachother's eyes. He said thank you and You're so good. I went to the bathroom to wash my hands, and then I masturbated as he held me.

My cunt was slippery and alert, though my mind was sleepy. I remembered the texture and mass of his cock as I fucked it with my mouth, the taste and smell of him. I thought of sex. I let fantasies pass through my mind in quick succession: the sound of his cry, sounds from years past, the way his face looks when he comes, sometimes, and the way my heart goes out to him as I make him feel.

When I came, I felt like my entire body was overtaken by an intense force. I cried quietly, aware of the window being open and the lateness of the hour, for a long time, as the waves of good feeling hit my body and flowed through again, again, again, again, again.

tahini

2006-07-02T15:33:00.000-07:00

We've had a joke around here for years about putting tahini on his weenie. Do you know tahini? It's like peanutbutter but made of sesame seeds and more liquid with a different taste.

This afternoon, we wanted ice cream and then to make love. I suggested he also bring a little dish of tahini, and he did!

We enjoyed our ice cream, lying naked in bed in the hot afternoon, and then I got it first. He spooned little portions of tahini on my nipples. It was cold. Then he licked and sucked it off. He sucked harder than he usually does, and I liked it very much.

Then I dipped my finger in the tahini and painted it onto his nipples, licked and sucked it off. This was very much valuable as a way to let him imagine for a while how this would be on his dick. His eyes were closed. I liked how it felt to attend to his nipples though they're not very sensitive. I liked how it felt to hover over him as he lay on his back.

I painted some tahini on his dick with my fingers and then licked it off, painted more, licked it off, then used it as a sticky lubricant while I jacked him off, licked it off some more as he moaned. I held tight onto the shaft as I sucked and licked the head. I went down on him with all the kindness and nastiness in the world. I tasted the pre-come and felt his dick get its hardest and largest.

That was when I stopped. You're such a good cocksucker, he said.

Then we fucked with him on top of me. He did it hard and deep. I felt special and very pleased. I asked him to hold me down by the wrists. Then I asked him to hold me down by the shoulders, which we very much enjoyed.

I like being held down, pushed down into the bed, which is another of my repetitve fantasies, which I imagined over and over again, all day every day, before we got together: him pushing me back into the bed and forcing me down as he fucked me visciously, and I had no agency and therefore could not be blamed for commiting adultery.

When it hurt, I had him check, and the condom had come off entirely inside of me.

So we masturbated for a while. You make me so horny, I told him. I would die if you didn't fuck me, I said. I've never wanted to fuck anyone like I want to fuck you, I said. I never loved anyone like I love you.

He was knealing on my left, jacking off and touching my left nipple. I masturbated, touching my own right nipple, and I was going to come, but I wanted to fuck some more and asked him if he would fuck me again.

That time he went behind me, and it was just lovely because my cunt was swelled up and tighter than usual. I could feel his dick in such exquisite detail. He gave it to me over and over again. I savored it, knowing he wouldn't come in me, though, which is the new policy for birth control.

I was getting off on imagining him calling me a little whore. For some reason, I was in the mood to fantasize about being degraded, imaging him a little mean, which he isn't.

Stop, I said. I couldn't bear to go any longer without coming. He knealed on my left again, and I masturbated and jacked him off at the same time. I did him fast and did myself slow.

I'm going to come, he told me, and then the white liquid spurted on my face and tits. I held off for as long as I could, and then I was coming too. As I came, he grabbed and massaged my shoulders.

We talked and cuddled and then went to sleep. We napped about an hour. When we woke up, I looked at the clock, and it was 2:30. Are you ready to be people? he asked.

No, I said. I hate waking up from a nap.

Later I made him sandwiches for work with the leftover tahini from the little brown dish. With lettuce and pretend bacon bits, just like he likes it.

accident III

2006-07-01T08:00:00.000-07:00

I wanted sex, but I was also feeling unsure I had the emotional and physical energy to do all that. I remember when I was over-medicated that's how it felt all the time. Sex was like a long, beautiful hike I had no energy for.

He took a shower while I thought about sex, unplugged the phone, and waited. I lay on the living room floor. He lay down with me and touched me. I played with his dick. He rubbed my clit, and I said, This is a good massage you're giving me. He told me how he felt my clit changing. Am I getting a boner? I asked. I asked him to touch the opening with a lot of lubricant, like in my dream, and he understood. I moaned and inhabited the wonderful feeling of the hand there with so much attentive love.

He knealed to my left, and I jacked him off. His dick is so beautiful: eager and willing. He enjoyed it, his eyes closed, murmuring, and suddenly gave me the alarmed look that means he'll come if I continue one second longer, so I stopped.

I got on all fours, and he put on a condom and rammed it in. I was surprised he went in me so soon. I tilted my pelvis different ways. His body was close up against mine, and he pounded me. I felt like my destiny was being fulfilled. I felt very right. All I wanted was to be fucked like that, for as long as possible, though my knees ached from the hardness of the floor. I gripped the pillow under my ribs and concentrated on his cock in my cunt and what he did with it, his moans, and how it felt to be myself as he was himself fucking me.

We would have a rhythm together, almost bouncing, as he fucked me very quickly. And sometimes I would limit my own movement, and all the force was coming from him. I like how that feels, when the will is his, and I pretend to be more passive.

And sometimes he was more still, and all the force was on my part, and that was maybe the most erotic, because my posture was of complete submission, so it makes us excited when there's a reverse, and I'm the one fucking him even though I'm on all fours and seem to be in service.

That's when he was most excited and ready to come. I might come, he said. I wasn't sure I wanted him to and hesitated. Do you want me to? he asked, gaspy. I contintued and said yes because I felt I would have liked to keep fucking forever, but my knees seemed to be undergoing damage.

Yes, please come, I said, and I fucked with with complete enthusiusm. He was in a state of bliss. His moans went out of control as he rammed it in and came for a long time.

Then his hand went to his dick so he could hold onto the condom while withdrawing, and the condom wasn't on his dick anymore. It was in me, and when he pulled it out, there was no semen to be seen in it. You need to wash, he said.

I stumbled to the bathroom a little angry. He went in the shower with me as I washed, and we talked about the accident. When I washed my cunt, I felt the slickness and knew some of it was my own, while some of it was his semen. I was a little angry though it wasn't his fault. But why does it slip so often? I just don't want to get pregnant. And maybe a little of my anger was because he won't get a vasectomy. If I have to get an abortion, I'm going to be pissed.

We went back to the livingroom floor, and I masturbated while he fucked me with the blue vibrator. I enjoyed myself but mostly just wanted to come. I rubbed my clit faster than usual. When I was ready to come, I put my left arm around him and held him close to me, his head to my chest, and came silently, like I might have years ago.

My period's still wanky (my last period lasted about a month), but I might be fertile. So I took the first Plan B pill at 7:08, and we set the alarm for 7:08 in the morning so I could take pill number two.

So say a prayer that I'm not going to get pregnant, though it's doubtful. I think we need to impliment some stringent policies, like we can fuck with a condom on, but he can't come in me anymore, which is of course a bit devestating, since that's my favorite part!

And more birth control thoughts must be thought. The current plan was to keep using condoms for another year until I get a real job with health insurance and then would be covered and get my tubes tied. But maybe the plan will change now.

in the mind

2006-06-28T19:05:00.000-07:00

He took a shower while I lay in bed reading a zine. When he came into the room clean and happy, I appreciated him.

I asked him to rub oil on my body and felt his hands slippery on my breasts. I asked him to rub oil on my hips. The smell of the lavender made me feel safe, remembering other good times between us.

Then he touched my clit. Slower, I said.

Will you turn me over and spank me? I asked, and he did. I asked him to close the window. The slaps got progressively harder without me having to ask. The oil on his hands improved the slaps somehow.

Do you want to be spanked? I asked. He said yes, so I slapped his ass a little. It's gorgeous.

He touched my clitoris some more. I'm training him to dip his finger inside me every minute or so, for just a second. I couldn't explain why! I think my clitoris needs a little break, I said.

I want you to lie back and see what happens, I told him. Just lie there and have a fantasy about getting your dick sucked, and something will happen in a minute, I told him.

I looked at him as he lay there with this eyes closed. I tried to imagine what has going on in his mind. I admired his dick and thought of what to do with it. I went between his legs and just cuddled his package for a while. I pushed his dick onto my neck. I rubbed my face on the hair above his dick. I rubbed my nose on his balls affectionately.

Then I kissed his dick and started to lick it up and down, on the underside, and put just the tip between my lips, rubbed my lips on the underside, listened to him mutter. Then I went down on him completely, licking the underside, rubbing my tongue on the underside as I fucked him with my mouth.

I got tired and had him lie on his side so I could lie on my side too. I sucked his dick enthusiastically. Some deep instincts took over, and I wasn't thinking about what I was doing but more observing it, in a good way--part of my brain shut off, and I was only a sex-being, my only thought in the world his dick and where I was taking him emotionally as I gave him this attentive care. My heart was giving. I felt I could have sucked his dick forever.

I might come, he said. I nodded and continued. I'm going to come, he said. I knew the warm, salty liquid would be in the mouth and throat soon. He moaned quietly as I felt it spurt in me, and I was with him completely and continued to lick the underside as he told me he loved me between moans, and I didn't know when to stop, and I didn't stop until it was a penis again, small and calm.

Then I got up to wash my hands, and he fucked me with the blue vibrator while I masturbated. He sucked my left nipple despite the oil. What a sweet man. I was going to come and remembered the events of the past few days. My mind went from one memory to the next. I was having a fantasy about meeting in the dark, a rushed encounter. I remembered how it had felt when he fucked me two nights before, just pounding me from behind, and inhabited that memory.

I wanted to turn over. So he fucked me with the blue vibrator from behind, and I rubbed my clit--it felt so different this way, and I was somewhat starting over--but I got to the point where coming was inevitable, and I can choose exactally what I will imagine as I'm coming. I remembered when he had been coming in my mouth, I remembered the fuck from two nights before, I remembered a shadowy fantasy, I remembered his delicate viens and the sound of his moaning cry.

Then the moaning cry was coming from my own throat, and I was coming at my own hand, loud, and surprising the part of myself that was listening like another person.

to fuck after the weekend

2006-06-27T09:37:00.000-07:00

We had not had sex all weekend because of the trip. We were not in suspense about what would happen when he got home from work Monday night. He gave me that look I love. He stared at my breasts a second longer than usual and made comments when my shirt was off.

We took a shower and went to the livingroom to kiss. He caressed my shoulders and rubbed his dick on my belly. We lay down on the floor. He rubbed his hands up and down the sides of my body. He sucked and rubbed my nipples, which made my clitoris attentive.

I opened my mouth to suck his dick. He put it in. I licked and lapped the underside where the head meets the shaft, which made him say Oh god. He rammed it into my mouth, and I could feel the softness of the skin, and delicate veins, and communed with him in this way.

We stopped so he could play with my tits some more. I reached my hand to my cunt and told him how wet it was. My clit was swelled like a fat little berry. I sucked his dick some more. You're such a good cocksucker, he told me. (Cocksucker in a compliment in our family.) I listened to him moan and tasted his pre-come. I knew what I was doing to him and enjoyed every second of it.

He played with my tits again, and I told him how I wanted it. He fucked me from above. I told him how I always wanted such a good man between my legs and always wanted such a nice dick in my cunt. He told me how he always wanted to spread the legs of such a good woman.

I watched his facial expressions change as he fucked me. You have such a good cunt, he said. We moaned. He did it fast and watched my tits jiggle. I turned my head to the side and quietly wailed as he did it deep.

I asked for a break. We drank water. I sucked his dick again, and it was beauiful and slick. He put on a condom and fucked me from behind. He told me It feels so good to fuck you, and told me Take it! We went this way, and his dick was so deep inside of me. Sometimes it hurt, and I enjoyed the pain as it felt very real, not too extreme, and a good undercurrent to the experience.

But I asked for another break. We drank more water. (It's in the 100s here. The air conditioner is only so effective.) I sucked his dick and jacked him off while I masturbated. I was at the edge of coming, and he was too. His dick felt so real and true in my hand. His dick felt like the entire world to me. I had to stop rubbing my clit so I wouldn't come. And I had to stop jacking him off so he wouldn't come.

I told him to fuck me again, and he did. I heard him behind me, putting the condom on, and wiggled at him until he positioned himself so close and slipped it in. We continued. I fucked back hard to make him come, and he cried out as he came in shuddering jerks, holding onto my ass and moaning for a long time. (I though men only came for a little while. He seems to come as long as I do.)

Then we lay side-by-side, and his hand went to my cunt. He rubbed my clit like his life depended on it. Slow, I said. I rubbed my nipples and felt close to him. The feeling rose in me, the inevitablity, and I whimpered.

My legs opened a little wider and my entire body convulsed as a screamy shriek came from within me and he made me come with the sweet middle finger of his left hand. Pleasure flowed through my body as my heart pumped it through.

one moment: coming

2006-06-22T17:44:00.000-07:00

When I was about to come, I got a snuggly feeling. I made him put his right arm around me and pushed my face to his chest. I burrowed against him as my hand slowly rubbed my clit, and then the waves hit me, and I cried out. I felt cozy and full of love, safe and animal with my animal mate. Probably his soft chest hair against my skin, and the strength of his right arm around me, steadying me and keeping me safe.

hearsay

2006-06-21T08:57:00.000-07:00

Oh god, you're so good. It feels so good. You sweet dick fucker. You sweet fucker. God, I love you. God, you're so good at fucking me. My god, it feels so good. Your dick is so good. I love you. Please give it to me. Please fuck me like that. God, yes.

hot

2006-06-18T13:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we had sex on the living room floor. I decided I wanted to come first before he fucked me and see how that felt. But that plan was overtaken by another. His belt happened to be on the floor right there, so I asked him to spank me with it. He did it gently, and it stung only a little but was fun for the novelty of the leather on my ass.

Then we decided to pretend we were at the beach, and I was a girl, and he was a teenager, and he was going to have his way with me--I pretended to be a little scared--it got me really aroused and ready. It was all talk. When he actually penetrated me, the fantasy fell away, and the fuck was lovely. Afterwards I masturbated and came loudly.

This morning I was lying in bed, and he came into the bedroom to do some chore, and I grabbed his package through his pants. I was happpy to feel it grow and poke as I rubbed it. Why don't you bone me real quick? I asked. We laughed and took off our clothes. He did bone me, and I liked how it felt to have the straightforward fucking as he plunged into me over and over again, on top of me.

You're such a good husband, I said. You keep me so nicely fucked.

You're such a good wife, he said. We were sweaty and dirty, so it felt nasty and good that way. I told him to come in me, and he rammed it deeply and moaned well.

Then I masturbated and put his hand there when I was about to come so it would be his doing. We were sleepy, but it was too hot to sleep!

sex zine

2006-06-17T17:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we fucked my new favorite fucking-style of him behind me with his body up against my ass, just as deep as can be, and so luxurious so we both go into trances. We fucked until my knees were numb and then some more. He came inside me, and then he fucked me with two fingers as I rubbed my clit and sweated and whimpered until finally my cunt had enough and I came. Boy is it hot here. The heat's so extreme it makes me feel sick sometimes.

I finished my sex zine, and I like it, I like it. I still need to copy and bind it, though. I have never seen a zine like it, so I don't know how it will be received, if at all. I think the line-drawings are nice, and the writing's good, so I should be fine. Email me an address if you want a copy of the finished product. Most of the writing has already appeared here, but the postscript is new. It contextualizes my project a little and speaks abstractly about what I'm trying to do.

queer dream

2006-06-16T08:06:00.000-07:00

We were in another city. I was at some kind of radical community center wating for a presentation. People were sitting together in a room like a living room. I was in a rocking chair, nervous and uncomfortable, obviously new.

A dark woman across the room took off her shirt. She had a lot of tattoos. Clothing optional, she said. I considered taking off my shirt but thought I was nervous enough as it was.

Somehow a sweet young white woman asked if she could touch my breasts. Before I knew it, I was naked, and she was caressing me with all the good-heartedness and warmth imaginable. I was extremely aroused and unsure where this was going.

A man was seated to my right. He would casually touch me sometimes, and I was afraid he would put the moves on me--he made me nervous because my husband had only okayed me being sexual with other women.

As the sweet young white woman touched my breasts, I felt something at my cunt, a wonderful feeling of a hand touching my opening, fingers that might penetrate me, but I was extremely startled because I didn't know who it was and if they were of the approved gender. So I froze then put my ass back on the seat of the rocking chair. I was actually about to fuck the arm-rest, but I didn't know if that would be allowed, not particularly hygenic.

I looked into the eyes of the woman who had been touching me. Can I give you a smootch? I asked. She thought about it, hesitated, and said yes. We kissed slowly and for a long time. I felt alarmed at the intimacy of it. And then we were done--that was as far as we were going at the moment.

I needed to go to the bathroom. As I went to find it, another woman followed me out of the room. She kissed me and embraced me. I was feeling overwhelmed and not attracted to her.

How long has it been? she asked

With a woman? I asked.

Yeah, she said.

Years, I said.

I think we can change that, she said. She kissed me again. She was pushing me, and I didn't like it. I needed to get out.

imperative

2006-06-15T09:41:00.000-07:00

He took a shower. I set out the lubricant and three condoms, one unwrapped, and lay naked on the bed, waiting.

He came into the bedroom, and I watched him dry off. He's beautiful. His shoulders are broad and strong. His thighs are muscular and actually huge--he has gorgeous legs. His tum is large and true. His balls are immense, and his dick is perfect. He's the most beautiful white color and very honest, open, dear.

I asked him to touch my breasts from behind and bite me on my neck and shoulders. I stood facing the wall with my arms up and hands on the wall, sometimes leaning my head on the wall, as his hands ran up and down my body and he started to kiss my neck and shoulders.

Bite, I instructed. He's not the best at multi-tasking and would sometimes lose track of what he was doing as he groped me, bit me, and rubbed his cock on my ass all at the same time. Open your mouth, I said. Biting did not come naturally for him. I think he needs more practice.

This was a sure-fire way to wake up my cunt, and after a little while of this, I got on the bed on all fours. He went behind me and made fucking motions on me, but I was interested in being actually fucked as soon as possible and instructed him to do so.

Spank me, I said. Harder, I said.

I waited for the first penetration, not knowing when he would enter me. He put on a condom and entered me hard. I cried out.

He fucked me beautifully. I listened to his breathing and sounds. I listened to my own. We enjoyed ourselves. He grabbed my ass and my waist as he rammed it in. Mostly his hands rested on my lower back or near the pad of extra fat at the base of my spine. I felt loved and known as he fucked me deeply.

I wanted to come and twisted the top half of my body to the right so my right hand could reach my clit. I rubbed myself as he continued to fuck me from behind, and my clit felt large and vibrant. I was concerned that the angle was less pleasant for him as I had tilted my pelvis a bit so I could reach my clit. The experience was definitely different: no longer so animal. I felt more human and person-ish.

But I wanted to come and felt the intensity change as I started to climb that hill. His sounds and breathing were more excited than ever, so I knew what I was doing was okay. I got closer and closer. A twinge of fear hit me. Coming is often a little scary for me. Can I do that? Can I feel so much, will it be safe? I wonder. But there's no choice: I'm going to come, and I can.

I love you. I'm going to come, I told him as he fucked me true. I could tell he was excited. In the midst of all the motion, something in me was still.

Then I went over and a loud, crying sob came from my mouth as I felt the wave of pleasure in my entire body, hitting me to my toes and my teeth but hot-white in my cunt, waves and waves of it. My sob went on and sounded like pain. It tapered off.

I wondered vaguely if he had come, and then I heard his sounds that meant he was coming then, and I enjoyed it thoroughly, to know I was part of it.

the cat

2006-06-14T09:45:00.000-07:00

What does the cat think? He was sleeping on a corner of the bed. Does he know we're mating? It seems to mean nothing to him.

an incredible fuck

2006-06-13T11:28:00.000-07:00

I said I wasn't in a hurry. I was masturbating, and he masturbated too, on his knees at my left. I watched his hand on his dick, the rhythm of his stroking. He waved it in my face. I said, You're very good looking.

Then I realized that I actually was in a hurry. Do you want me from behind? I asked.

Turn over, he said. He put on a condom and pushed into me. It surprises me a little, hurts a little when he first goes in, but in a good way. I like to hear the small cry come out of my mouth and feel my body's first rush of the pleasure of being penetrated.

He grinded deep inside of me. Oh god, oh god, I said. Always before he would sort of lean back and watch his dick going in and out of me. But this time, he was leaning forward--his body was against my butt the whole time, and something about it--the angle, the deepness of the thrusts--had me very religious, dazed, and at the edge of coming as I grunted like an animal and took it hard, transformed into a creature of complete sexual feeling.

Oh god, oh god, I said, and whimpered. I felt deeply loved with his body against mine, and I had never felt so thoroughly fucked and taken. It went on and on. I grabbed at the bed and gripped the pillow under my chest. I heard his sounds and knew it felt so good for him also. The small part of my mind still capable of thought wondered why this was so different and why he was so excited. I didn't care but only wanted it to go on forever.

He would stop sometimes, pushed farthest into me, and I knew he was trying not to come so he could keep fucking me. He would push into me as deep as possible, stop, and then fuck again with more vigor, go through the cycle repeatedly.

I felt I really would come, somewhat prayed for it, lived at the edge of it, and then he said, I might come and did, ramming it into me with shuddering thrusts that made me feel emotionally satisfied. Then he put his hand to the condom and I fucked him back a little longer.

Can you touch my clit? I asked. He did but was unpractised from that direction. I took over and rubbed it myself, asking him, Will you penetrate me? What a question. He fucked me with two fingers as I rubbed my clit, still in the mind-numbing ecstacy of the profound fuck I has just endured and that really was continuing, only with his fingers, until I got off, shouting and coming and shuddering, my face grinding into the pillow as I cried.

Jesus christ, it had never been better. I had tender words to say when I recovered the power of speech and asked why it had been so different. He had no insight to provide but the way he kept his body against my body as we fucked.

We cuddled and talked for a long time. That was incredible is the sexual cliche that I found myself repeating. My feeling was of bliss and awe. I got horny again as we discussed it afterwards. But we were exhausted and had work to do. So we rested and then worked.

Later I made banana pancakes.

closer

2006-06-12T08:26:00.000-07:00

We talked more about how we feel about monogamy. I feel so safe that I can talk about anything with him.

He's protective of me and has seen me get hurt many times. Protectiveness is never an excuse for controlingness, but I know his heart is in the right place. In fact, that's why I married him, short answer. I have never known anyone whose heart was more true and pure-singing perfectly full of honest care. He knows himself very well and can see when any self-interest tinges his behavior.

He had never thought about these things very much. He had taken culture's views as his own. He thought a wife having sex with a man other than her husband was the ultimate in disrespect. He didn't know other arrangements are possible. You know how it is when you're first trying to get your mind around something, and it can take a while. He brings up biological / evolutionary reasons behind the feelings that I'm not sure I buy.

At any rate, I'm not interested in anyone with whom a romance would be possible anyway. I have high standards and an iron will of not letting myself get pushed into anything. Other than toward my husband, I have strong feelings only toward one friend, and my husband has strong feelings toward the same friend, but nothing's possible. But it's good to have these topics within the conversational realm. I have never felt closer.

his fantasy

2006-06-11T15:53:00.000-07:00

He wanted to enact a fantasy like my primary fantasy of being young and used. He lay back on the bed with his arms up over his head.

I blindfolded him and sucked his dick for a long time, rubbed it with my hand, licked it up and down, went down on him some more, rubbed my tits on his dick, and told him lots of admiring sentences.

You're prefect, you're so beautiful.

I love your dick, it's so thick, it smells so good, it feels so good.

Is this what you wanted? Did you want your dick played with this way?

Then I put a condom on him and fucked him soundly. Sometimes my nipples would graze his chest as I rode. I loved how it felt to do whatever I wanted with him and told him so.

I've always wanted to fuck you like this, I told him. Do you like this cunt you're getting? He said he did.

I rode up and down his dick, fast and thorough. I humped it deep. You're so good, I said. He started to make more sounds, and I knew I could make him come soon. I intensified my efforts. His arms slightly twitched. He moaned quietly, and I rode him hard as he came in me. His hand went to his dick for the condom. I fucked him a little more--it was hard to know when the coming started to fall away without being able to look into his eyes. So I kept going a bit for good measure.

We took off the blindfold and talked about it while I touched my cunt and rubbed my clit until I came. I loved not knowing what you were going to do next, he told me. It was night. It was late. We went to sleep after the nighttime rituals.

my nature

2006-06-10T17:45:00.000-07:00

When I was was a teenager, I had girlfriends and boyfriends at the same time. I found it to be a good path. I was loving and committed to all my partners--we were good friends. It wasn't fuck-buddies.

Now that I'm an adult and monogamous, I see the validity of fuck-buddies. I don't have such rigid morality that I believe everyone must use sex as an expression of spiritual intimacy, with everyone and every time.

However, my husband thinks sex without love is gross. He finds it reprehensible and turns away from the idea like turning away from a scene of gore.

I feel a tension between my need for security with my husband and my need to love many people. Can I keep the love unphysical and maintain my monogamy? I value my husband more and more every day, and we know what our rules are. I would never commit adultery against him--if it came down to it, we would have to change the rules.

Adultery is an option for people who feel trapped, and our relationship is a healthy, living collaberation. Or adultery is an option for people who just aren't moral, but he and I are careful, caring.

Sometimes I think the nonmonogamy of my teenage and young adult years was more true to my nature. Other times I feel like life is so complicated. I can barely do everything I need to do in a day as it is, and adding another partner would be incapacitating.

more care

2006-06-09T22:05:00.000-07:00

Sex is a really important way we take care of ourselves. I've been sick with a cold, but I took a shower this evening while he was working and then invited him to bed.

I touched the hair on his chest. I pushed him back on the bed and took advantage of the vulnerability of his package and sucked his dick, impressed with his responsiveness after all these years.

Then he fucked my mouth while I lay back on the bed. I pushed him away and asked him to play with my tits. Then I opened my mouth and requested more dick in it.

Then he fucked me from behind. "Take it hard," he instructed. I wanted it hard. I felt well-used, exhausted, a pillow beneath my ribs. I fucked him back in fast jerking motions until he came.

He held me as I masturbated--he rubbed my tits and looked at me with love while my mind rolled from memory to memory, and my hand rubbed fast and slow, fast and slow. When I was about to come, I put his hand there and made him push me over.

It had grown dark. We lay in the mostly-darkness half-asleep. The wind's blowing today, and the leaves were rustling outside. The world was quiet. If life can be like this, everything will be okay.

care

2006-06-08T09:32:00.000-07:00

I went down on him at 4 in the morning. I like the quiet and the simplicity of his dick in my mouth. I focus on how it feels, the little sounds he makes, and enact my care. It's the least I could do.

welcome home

2006-06-05T19:18:00.000-07:00

We were away and didn't have sex all weekend. So today it was good to know what would happen when he got home from work.

We had dinner and went to bed. We were shy. It was beautiful to see him naked and know his body would be mine. I lay back on the bed, and he touched me all over myself. I asked to see his dick. He knealed and showed me. I played with it. I rubbed it with spit on my hand. It felt like a vibrant wonderful thing, substantial and full of life. It changed, growing slowly. "I'm not in a hurry," I said. It had been days! I missed all of this.

"I want you to put it in my mouth," I said. He fucked my mouth. Then he would stop to pull and suck at my nipples. Then fuck my mouth again. I started to masturbate with my right hand as he fucked my mouth from the left.

I started to lick the underside of the head almost like licking a clitoris. He moaned and enjoyed it. We did this for a long time. I took myself to the edge of coming then stopped. Took myself there and stopped again. "Is it okay if I come?" I asked, and he said yes. I had planned for him to fuck me from behind, my favorite, but it wasn't working out that way.

"I might come," he said. "Is that okay?" I nodded and continued what I was doing. He controlled how far his dick as inside me while I changed the motions of my tongue. He started to spurt into my mouth and thrust his dick deeper. I quickened the motion of my hand and then slowed as the waves hit me and I cried out, his dick still spurting in my mouth.

Then he kissed me. He told me he had been in a trance, and he felt transformed. The sensations were in his entire body. It made him excited to know I was so excited.

I said that the way I was rubbing the underside of the head of his dick with my tongue was treating it like a clitoris and asked him if we're lesbians now.

wife vs prostitute

2006-06-01T09:42:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about marriage, why we get married, what it's good for, why we got married, how the outside world does or does not factor into personal relationships private.

Someone said marriage is a way to keep a woman confined long enough to be sure the child is legitamate. Is this true? What do we mean when we say marriage anyway, speaking historically? It seems natural for people to form bonds, and some bonds get more permanent than others.

We got married because we felt married, and we wanted to use the words "husband" and "wife." So we got married for words.

We also wanted the certain rights like to be one another's next-of-kin and what if one of us died, or was in the hospital, and all that.

But I had been very anti-marriage for a while. I thought it was horrible imprisonment and so unreasonable to think you could make a promise about forever when people can and should change often.

Now, four years into our marriage and seven years into the relationship, I feel glad to have him and glad for everything that's lead up to this, but a little concerned too about what marriage is, what I'm giving my approval to by engaging in, and is this an institution that should be scrapped, or changed, or strengthened, and if so how.

Our marriage is a relationship of care and carnality. There seem to be two main components--the way we take care of of another as steadfast allies and family members. And then there's the way we fuck. There's some overlap to the two, but mostly they're different.

I had a theory, not really mine, that before, a man would have a wife for the home things and a prostitute to really be hinself with, but now a woman needs to be both in order to keep the man satisfied and from "straying." That's the man-centric view of it, anyway.

So it's potentially difficult. The outside world factors into our relationship somewhat, mostly through the conditioning we received as children. The way we chose to ignore popular culture's TV and movies and magazines and radio means we are comparatively free of unwanted influences in the present, but our own minds are filled with the clutter from childhood and what we saw in our own families.

It's a constant effort to be true to ourselves and what we really want together. He's so stable, and I'm so erratic and moody. I'm always evaluating whether what I'm doing is what I want to be doing. He is more complacent, which is fine. He's the kind of guy who would always order the same thing at a restaurant, and the waitstaff would tease him about it. Sometimes I get irritated at always being the innovator. But mostly our roles are good. I need his stability and trustworthiness. Maybe he needs my changability too.

this morning

2006-05-27T17:08:00.000-07:00

He went between my legs and pushed his penis against my clitoris. He sucked my nipples, grabbed my right leg and pushed it back. He pushed his cock inside of me. This is a bad habit--we know how there's the little sperm in the pre-come. He pushed my wrists down and slipped in and out of me sweetly.

And then he got a condom and put it on and fucked me soundly. We spoke of how he could do whatever he wanted to me and fuck me as long as he wanted. I was so happy. And I offered to suck his dick. That was the first time we had intentionally taken off a condom without it being full of semen. I was afraid his dick would taste bad from the condom, but it was fine. I sucked away. I felt when he was about to come and didn't let him. I flicked my tongue around and tried to get it into the little hole. Then finally let him come.

He rubbed my cunt and found a good place on my clitoris that had been wanting his attention. At first, we were having a conversation about how nicely I had gone down on him, but the conversation dwindled as I was repetitiously mentioning god a lot. I have never been a screamer but came close today as I came on his hand.

Then we cuddled for a long time and talked about passion. "I think that was the way nature intended," I said because all that had occurred on natural lubrication, and I had more to spare. "But when you came in my mouth, that's not what nature intended!"

How nice a dick feels in a mouth or an ass is a design flaw? Or nature has accounted for this and gave us additional sex drive to compensate. It is so dumb to speak of what nature wants because of the complications of non-heterosexuality too. Sorry.

ice cream

2006-05-22T19:35:00.000-07:00

Last night he was working at home. Our break was supposed to be ice cream. "I know something better than ice cream," I said and took off my shirt. He stared at my tits. I sat in my computer chair, and he carassed me, rubbing my nipples with this thumbs. He took his cock out and rubbed it on my breasts. He always says my nipples make him want to come on them. "Let's make your dream come true," I said, because in the morning he'd woken up from a dream that he was jerking off on my face.

It's easier to be close without penetration, both physically and emotionally, which makes it good for night. So we went to bed, and he played with my nipples while I jerked him off on my face and masturbated myself at the same time. We came at the same time again.

I like my attention to be so divided between his sexual building and mine, and I like when they become inseperable or conflated. I became more and more focused on his cock as he got closer to coming, aware with part of my brain that I was near coming also, but more in the background thoughts. He started to come, I saw his white semen shooting and dripping out, and I let myself come too, just a second later.

Some of his semen got in my hair. I always like that. We cleaned each other off with tissues and slept happier for this love.

game

2006-05-21T21:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I made up a sex game. It was that we would take turns sucking one another--I would suck his dick, and he would suck my nipples--2, 4, 6, 8, and then 10 times. It was a really good game--you should try it. While he sucked my nipples, I jerked him off a bit. It was fun because each time you knew you'd get more and more. We like mounting anticipation.

Then we had sex with him on top of me, and I reached my hand in between us to touch my clitoris, and we came at the same time, which hadn't happened in months. It was wonderful, and wonderful just for something different. I liked to feel my clitoris as his cock made it swell and strain.

The other day I went down on him and made him come in my mouth. I was having a strong gag reflex that day and didn't swallow whatsoever. But it was lovely, and I have some pink tulips and white ranuculus to show for it. He's everything to me, and his cock specifically is everything to me. I'm so happy we're young, healthy, and alive. He says, "I want to fuck you forever," but I know we won't have bodies forever.

alarm

2006-05-21T20:56:00.000-07:00

Our regular alarm clock told the wrong time yesterday. "Are you going to trust it to wake you up for work tomorrow?" I asked.

He also has this small vibrating alarm, the size of a small pager, orginially designed for the hearing-impaired. I sugested he should use that one. "Set it for seven, put it into a condom, and stuff it into your butt!" We laughed. "I bet it would wake you up!" I said.

"I don't think I would get to sleep at all," he said. Vibrating alarms are just funny and inspire these kinds of conversations.

the relationship between anxiety and sex

2006-05-19T11:57:00.000-07:00

I was really anxious. We were lying in bed, and he was cuddling me for comfort. Then I was thinking of sex, and we were playing a game we play, had just got to "N" when I couldn't ignore his balls anymore and started kissing them without comment. I have an undeniable attraction to his balls, especially when they're loose and floppy, but this attraction is in service of another attraction--his dick. So I kissed his balls and then moved on to his dick, which is so kissable, and then proceeded to go down on him, game over.

My mouth and hand took turns, and I listened to him gasp and murmur. It had been days. He was sensitive. I took my time, and then had mercy on him and made him come.

We cuddled more, I washed my hands, and I took my time bringing myself to come too, with the blue vibrator inside me, and we felt very close there in the half-dark.

We cuddled more and went to bed early. We were so sleep-deprived.

Often it happens that anxiety will lead to sex--it's just the thing to get my mind off itself. The bad chemicals of fear can become good chemicals of excitement, sometimes. The mind is looking for something to turn to. Sex is about the only thing distracting enough.

incapaciting depression

2006-05-18T12:29:00.000-07:00

I'm quitting the birth control pill. Anyone who needs 2 1/2 months of Micronor, let me know.

Before, when I said no more hormones ever? Well, I really mean it this time!

intellectual

2006-05-17T17:22:00.000-07:00

My sex drive has definitely decreased. It might be the heat, the birth control pills, just a shift in focus? Before, I had been researching sex blogs a lot, and I don't know if the researching was filling me with lust, or the lust was driving me to research. At any rate, things have died down, and we're more like every-other-day. Which is fine.

There's a quote I've always liked:

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
--Aldous Huxley

Is that quote offensive? Definitely provocative. Definitely simplistic.

I always thought of myself as intellectual--someone who liked reading more than TV, got some education.... Then, when I developed a libido again, I felt deep in my bones that nothing is more important than sex, nothing could be, and my entire life existed for fucking my husband.

Now that I'm calmer again, I see things with more detachment--I feel more moderate. But one day maybe things will shift again.

my breasts: an excerpt

2006-05-16T13:29:00.000-07:00

This is section two of a longer essay I've been writing about my breasts.

They’re large and mostly round. They’re very soft, and less soft when the nipples are erect.

The skin is fair and filled with subtle stretch marks from my teenage years. The nipples and areola are pale.

I wear a bra only to work, seeing family or friends I don’t know very well, and to yoga. My most-worn bra is a loose pink sports bra, bought too big on accident.

My nipples can’t take a lot of stimulation at the beginning of sex, but after a few minutes, they love attention.

With poor posture I tried to hide them, but now I make an effort to push my shoulders back, which makes my breasts stick out, which is better for my muscles.

I admire them from above and in the mirror. They add joy to my shape. I caress them and let my husband do whatever he wants with them.

I remember the night he and I first got together. I was wearing my favorite green sweater. He rubbed his hands up and down the sides of my body. He touched my breasts before he kissed me.

loyalty

2006-05-15T10:34:00.000-07:00

Feelings can be confusing, confused. They can be small and get big all of a sudden. There can be small shadow feelings behind the foreground, official feelings. Things can change quickly.

Or in a bad mood, you can suddenly see things have accumulated that you didn't even know about. And something that had been so small as to be ignorable suddenly becomes vital.

I was so happy with things in bed, but one day I got angry that every time I come, it's by my own hand. I had been so happy. But then there was an accumulation of anger at the inequity of our sexual roles. Every time he came, I made him come. Every time I came, I made myself come. He did help. I mean whose finger was on the clitoris.

One night I got so mad I said bitter, angry things that shouldn't be repeated.

So we talked about it, and last time we had sex, instead of me masturbating with his hands on my breasts, he touched my clitoris, and I touched my breasts. I gave him a few instructions. He listened to my breathing and sounds. When I came, it was beautiful and healing.

Is it disloyal to even speak of this? It's revolutionary to tell the truth. But he is my partner, and maybe I should be silent in respect. There are gender issues, since women have historically been told to shut up about their men and their feelings--maybe it helps the world in a small way to speak honestly.

But I do love my husband, and I don't want to slander him, even anonymously, which I think I just recently learned to spell. Maybe since the story has a happy ending, it's not slander. He is a dear. He is good-hearted, kind-hearted, and any neglect of equity is from obliviousness rather than intentional.

But I wonder sometimes how much that matters, what people are responsible for, and if a sin of omission ranks as high as a sin kinetic.

birth control for Mother's Day

2006-05-14T10:01:00.000-07:00

The new birth control is a progestin-only pill sometimes called a mini-pill. My particular one is Nora-BE, which is the generic for Micronor. It's more important to take it at the same time every day than the conventional birth control pill, which is progestin and estrogen.

My reader brings up a good point about how maybe I should just get my tubes tied, and I was researching that yesterday, as well as a new procedure called Essure which has the same result as getting your tubes tied but without incisions. But it's too new for me to feel comfortable with.

Anyway, I am 29 years old and 99.9% sure I don't want kids, but I'm also 100% afraid of commitment. So I don't think I'll be getting fixed anytime soon. Maybe in another five or six years.

The procedure for vasectomy is a lot more simple and less expensive, but my husband's fear of commiment is as great as mine. "We've changed so much. I'm like a new person every six months," he told me yesterday in the shower. And he's right. I can't imagine changing into someone who wants to be a mother, but some really strange things happen....

Also, we don't have any support from family. My mom has been pressuring me to reproduce since I was about 18 year old. She very much wanted grandkids. Now she has two, provided by my brother and his girlfriend, but two isn't enough, and she would still be tickled pink if I had a kid or kids. Though she backed off a little when I told her that she really doesn't understand the extent of my mental instabilities. Mental health problems run in the family, both sides.

state park

2006-05-11T15:32:00.000-07:00

Everything's going perfectly with the new birth control--I've done a great job taking it at noon every day. Because the instructions said we would be okay after 48 hours, we've treated ourselves with some condom-free fucking--without coming, but it was heavenly to be so non-chalant and easy!

The first time, I sort of dared him, and we both felt delightfully surprised. It was only a couple minutes, and he said, "I think we need to stop now!" I begged for just a little more. We went on to fuck with a condom, him behind me, and what a sense of emotional opening--something about the position allows the best sex I've known, though we never come at the same time. I think it has to do with animals selves and trust. He's the only partner I've ever completely trusted.

Yesterday we were at a state park among the redwoods, and we went for a walk. At night, we had a fire, and when it got dark, my mind turned to sex--actually, my mind is always thinking of sex! I wake up thinking of it, and I usually fall asleep that way too.

But my mind turned to sex with more concentration. I showed him my breasts in the firelight. I asked him to take out his penis and went down on him. "Let's get away from the light," I said, and led him to the picnic table. But that's when the ranger's truck drove up. We reaggranged our clothing and hurried back to our chairs by the fire.

"State Ranger," he said. It was just the usual 8:45 visit to tell us what time we had to be out. This park has generous day use until 10. My husband did all the talking and said the appropriate things at the appropriate moments. I just started into the fire and kept myself from giggling.

When the ranger left, we started over. I showed him my breasts again, and he rubbed my nipples. He shoved his dick between my breasts. I led him to the picnic take and had him lie back as I went down on him. His cock was vibrant and responsive in my mouth as I worked up and down, holding him tightly, and feeling his excitement. Sex in the forest holds a certain charm for us, and I had a feeling he could come easily--I was right. He warned me, "I'm going to come," and I was happy as I forced him to, and held him in my mouth until the thrusting gushes were over. We rested that way.

Then I lay back on the picnic table and reached my hand into my pants to masturbate while he lay beside me and played with my nipples. I looked up into the tree shapes far overhead. It was a full moon, and the sky wasn't completely dark. I breathed the cold air and felt so alive as I worked myself into a shuddering orgasm with a quiet cry.

We spoke in whispers and cuddled on the picnic table. I rubbed my face on his face over and over. I ran my fingers through his short hair. We spoke of what we had done and used the innocent language of when we were younger. As if being close in the forest again had brought us to our younger selves. Or we were feeling too moved to say the words that are playfully coarse.

family planning, first fantasies

2006-05-08T10:19:00.000-07:00

He researched vasectomy and doesn't feel ready. "So much can change in five years," he said. In five years I'll be almost 35. It's hard to imagine I'll change my mind and want kids then. But he's right. We're both really scared of commitment, and getting fixed is a pretty big one.

I started a progestin-only birth control pill yesterday, and I don't know how much faith I have in its efficacy. The instructions said we could rely on it after 48 hours, but the person at the women's health clinic said two weeks, so I guess we're still on condoms for a little while.

My time for taking it is noon every day. I would like some kind of daily alarm to help me remember.

Yesterday we did my first fantasy again. I was blindfolded. He pretended to be a stranger, and I was a young girl. Most dangerously erotic was when he fucked my mouth, which he did three seperate times. My mouth has become very skilled in this role. I can feel every detail of his dick so beautifully. I also liked how it felt to grab and jerk off his cock with the blindfold on because I could feel its thickness and eagerness so much better without being overwhelmed by the sight.

When he fucked me, sometimes his dick was at an angle different from usual where my clitoris was getting stimulated very much, and I was panting at the edge of coming for so long and straining my whole self to rub against him.

My nipples felt better than ever. My cunt felt better than ever. My entire self was his and glowing with sex. We were sweaty and fully present with eachother, completely ourselves though we were pretending to be other people--how odd is that. And it was healing to enact this fantasy.

I was so frustrated as a 10 year old girl. I was filled with some of the most intense lust of my life with no skills to get it satisfied. I fantacised about being raped so I could know sex. I remember waiting in the car while my mom shopped in a store and wishing any man would come and rape me so I could finally have a deep need met, of course not knowing what rape is really like, not knowing anything but my own feelings and what I suspected from movies, innuendos, pictures, and hints.

Is 10 a little young for this? Maybe or maybe not. But this fantasy (of being alone in a hut at the edge of the village where a strange man will come and fuck me anonymously), while wholesome and good, is also tied up with a frustration that made me cry. And the frustrations of ignorance and religious oppression. So enacting it is good in many ways because the little girl in me finally gets fucked and I can let that part of me feel the peace of union.

pictures

2006-05-06T11:28:00.000-07:00

This morning we took some erotic pictures of each other, which we had never done before--I think we were too afraid, if someone saw. But life's too short for those kinds of worries! And it was arousing and fun for both of us.

Pictures mostly of my breasts, and pictures of his dick, all in natural light, and I think they turned out very well.

Then I went down on him, and he took pictures of that too. Big and so real in my mouth.

Then we fucked in bed, and it was very lovely. "I belong to you," I told him.

"Take it," he said.

"Yes," I said.

It's easier to talk when we're face to face. I watched his expressions change, saw that almost-violent one I like so much, and when he came, I held him, then petted his hair. I masturbated and came, though I had a horrible headache that escalated the closer I got. So it was a mixed experience, interesting, and we lay there cuddling and looking at the pictures again.

to read about someone's first sex party

2006-05-05T17:30:00.000-07:00

This morning an old friend sent me an account he wrote of the first sex party he ever went to three years ago. It's the only sex writing I have ever read by a friend, it was a new experience to see something so personal by someone I know, and I enjoyed it very much--the writing was engaging and clear. He's a great writer.

My husband felt cautious because I recently had a bad experience with a male friend who wasn't respecting my boundries. So my husband's on-guard for male sociopaths, which makes him edgy. And it makes me edgy when I feel he's monitoring me.

Though I know I won't be going to a sex party any time soon, I enjoy learning about other ways of being and cultures within cultures. Is it good for friends to talk about sex like this? I hope so, and I'm glad my husband is flexible with me as I try new things. Comfortable with discomfort. Every new experience adds up, and I want to have the richest life possible while still feeling my version of safe.

Yesterday I wanted to be spanked. I like the slaps and the way the vibrations feel as they wake up my cunt. I'm not the kind of person who likes actual pain--no bruises, for example--but this is something playful, and a nice sting that makes me feel lively.

"Did it turn pink?" I asked.

"A little," he said. I asked for harder and harder. I asked for a little soothing caress after each spank.

I remember when I was a little girl and spakings were something I fantacized about, injections too, in a way that I recognize now as sexual, but then, there was nothing more emotional, nothing more intense, than the terror of anxiety. I worked myself into a little frenzy. Something forbidden to think about, I mean before the age of eight. But I remember this.

Now, spakings cause no anxiety, and anxiety isn't a kick anymore but rather is a problem.

Before spakings, he rubbed massage oil on my feet, butt, and breasts. After spakings, I went down on him. Then we fucked, with him behind me, and I was so happy happy happy.

At night I was reading some One Life, Take Two about Jefferson dominating this woman named Rose that was both arousing and difficult for me--my complicated feelings about domination, feminism, gender, and where I fit--but for sure I was interested in getting into my husband's pants.

He initially brushed me off a little, which hurt my feelings a little, then changed his mind. "Can I spend some time with you?" he asked me. "If I tried to seduce you, do you think I would be successful?" as he led me to bed.

"You'll definitely be successful at trying to seduce me!" I said. We laughed, and the mild tension of our disagreement dispersed. Then he fucked my mouth, he jacked off on my tits, I masturbated, he fucked me with the blue vibrator. We got sleepy while we were cuddling and went to bed a little early.

the other

2006-05-04T13:38:00.000-07:00

Here's the one I was saying either I don't get, or it's not working with my anatomy. We should try it again. It's sold at Early 2 Bed as Pam. These are their pictures.